The World according to Me

formspring.me

2010-02-04T07:51:00.001-08:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/ScreaminLacey

formspring.me

2010-01-23T23:37:00.001-08:00

Have you picked out any names for your new kitty yet? :)

Yes. I like anchovy. Or just chovy for short. But i'll wait until i meet her to decide for sure

would smack my bitch up be your stripper song of choice? Or are you more of a firestarter girl?

No spitfire is more my style

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-01-23T07:08:00.001-08:00

Do you hate car guards?

No what else would i do with all my change?

Do you ever worry and if so what's your biggest concern for yourself or the world in general?

I don't worry. I take a step back and see myself as only a little part in a big big world. I don't worry about the world either. It has a way of sorting itself out. Its been around for millions of years. I truely believe that things have a way of sorting itself out

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-01-23T05:03:00.001-08:00

Why do Germans produce the best products, (I.E. BMW's, tiger tanks, dark chocolate, machine guns and of course women)

Its a secret passed down from hitler

Would you rather fly a fighter jet or drive a tank?

Fighter jet!

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-01-23T03:37:00.001-08:00

If you could change one thing about modern day society what would it be?

I would make money obsolete and work on a barter system.

How do you go about getting revenge?

I would hurt the people closest to the one who wronged me in the same way i was hurt. That way the person can see what he did and live with the guilt

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-01-23T03:19:00.001-08:00

Yeah this is definitely addictive http://formspring.me/ScreaminLacey

formspring.me

2010-01-23T03:11:00.001-08:00

Why are you so mean?

Why do you think i'm mean? I don't think i'm mean. I think i'm honest

How would you go about surviving a zombie invasion?

Well firstly baracade myself up in a building of at least 2 stories. Living only on the top story. Building should be in an open field with a clear view all around. Close up all windows and doors leaving only one way out and one way in. Surround the place with landmines. Why does nobody ever think of landmines? Armoured truck a la death race to get supplies and then drive into the store and grab shit why does everyone park outside and walk inside?

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-01-23T02:04:00.001-08:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/ScreaminLacey

formspring.me

2010-01-23T01:28:00.001-08:00

When did you and Jono first meet, who proposed and how?

We sort of met through a mutual friend Nick. Jono actually swore at me the first time we met. I was trying to set Nick up on a kind of blind date and Jono said well who the fuck are you? Because Nick is his friend and he wouldn't like me doing it. After the mess was cleared we fell in love but we were too afraid to say anything. Me because i didn't think Jono would date a friend's friend an him because he thought i had a thing for Nick. I told him i had feelings for him first and he asked me to marry him. It was very impulsive on his part. He just went out to buy a ring on the friday and he had this whole thing planned but it just came out on the friday night mid conversation. I guess he was too excited or nervous to wait

Ultimate hangover sandwich?

Sandwich? Are you kidding me? Wimpy breakfast is the only hangover cure

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-01-23T00:28:00.001-08:00

4 pigeons walk over telephone wire. Two of them die of electrocution. Should the 2 remaining pigeons receive trauma counselling?

No, they should be prosecuted for murder. 4 pigeons were there and only 2 got electrocuted? Sounds fishy to me

What is the fastest you have ever traveled?

Well i can go from sweet to murderous bitch in 2 seconds?

Okay so if you were a stripper, what would be your signature stripper song? Hehehehe

Something by Prodigy

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-01-23T00:15:00.001-08:00

Is it ok to laugh at crippled people

Only if they don't see you doing it

Do you enjoy laughing at slut updates on Facebook? It usually happens like this: "[Censored] is going to go wild tonight hehe". 8 hours later, "[Censored] doesn't understand why I do these things to myself. I have no respect for my temple". HAHA

Haha! Yes

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-01-22T23:46:00.001-08:00

Who do you suspect pf reporting your FB profile and playing the dumbass on here?

I have a suspicion that it might be a girl who reported my profile pic but if they're trying to get to me they'll have to do a lot worse than calling me a slut

Have you completed any Tertiary Education?

Yes i have an art history degree and a masters in hair care and beauty

Do you think people who can't use apostrophes are douchecunts? For instance, contributor "your a slut". I vote for non-voluntary finger removal for all people who can't use an '.

Yeah, but don't be mean to them they're sad enough as it is

Better thαn fomsprng, try http://tr.im/LiHy

Er..

Why are people so uptight about your comments? They are actually amusing

I don't know but i'm not a proctologist so its not my job to remove the sticks up their butts. If they don't like it they should double their prozac until they feel numb again

Iphone or blackberry ?

Blackberry. Iphone users need to download the 'be an individual' application

why am I attracted to psycho women, or women who have MAJOR issues? How do I find so many of them?

Firstly i think you need to cancel your subscription to farm animals monthly, get off gaydar and go to church to meet a nice boring girl you can take home to mum

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-01-22T23:06:00.001-08:00

one night stand or lasting relationship?

Definitely a long lasting relationship, its more fun when you know the person.

Best holiday you had?

Sailing the coast of croatia on a yacht with a bunch of people from around the world. Best time ever!

Ask me anything

formspring.me

2010-01-22T22:49:00.003-08:00

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/ScreaminLacey

formspring.me

2010-01-22T22:49:00.001-08:00

your a slut

And you're a wannabe

Would you rather vacation at the beach or in the mountains?

Beach

Ask me anything

I love Fuck

2010-01-11T01:24:00.000-08:00

I just love the word Fuck!

I like the word fuck. I love the word fuck. If you know me you me you know I use it a fucking lot. That’s because it is a fucking great all fucking purpose word. It is the one magical word which just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate. You can use it in a sentence or just all by its lonesome. You can say it in many different word combinations. Try it.

VERB - Go fuck off.

ADJECTIVE -You are a fucking asshole buddy.

NOUN - You are a terrific fuck.

ADVERB - Now that is fucking interesting.

GREETING - How the fuck are you?

FRAUD - I got fucked by that crook.

DISMAY - Oh, fuck it!

TROUBLE - I'm fucked now!

CONFUSION - What the fuck?

AGGRESSION - Fuck you!

DISGUST - Fuck me

DESPAIR - Fucked again!

PHILOSOPHY - "Who gives a fuck?"

INCOMPETENCE - He's a real fuck-wit

DISPLEASURE - What the fuck is going on here?

NUMEROLOGY - Sixty-fuckin'-nine

LOST - Where the fuck are we?

DISBELIEF - Unfuckingbelievable

RETALIATION - Up your fucking ass!

REBELLION - Fuck it!

SATISFACTION - fuck me again!

DESCRIPTIVE ANATOMY - He's a fuckin' asshole!

TO TELL TIME - It's six-fucking-thirty.

PREDICTION - Well, I'll be fucked!

A POLITICAL STATEMENT - Fuck Zuma

INCESTUOUS - Motherfucker

A PUT DOWN - Fuck off, buddy

ALL ENCOMPASSING - Fuck 'em all!

GOVERNMENTAL AFFAIRS - Fuck SARS

A POKER HAND- A royal fuck

TO START A RELATIONSHIP - Let's fuck now!

AS AN ACCEPTANCE - Fuckin' A!

ENJOYMENT - Fuckin' Wow!

A CLOSING - Fuckingly yours.

Never forget the quotes of some famous people in our history and in the present:

Michelangelo: "You want me to paint what on the fucking ceiling"

George Custer: “Where did all these Fucking indians come from?

Einstein: "Any fucker can understand that"

Mayor of Hiroshima: “What the fuck was that? “

John Wayne: "Fuck death and the lung cancer he rode in on."

Julius Malema: “These fucking white people!”

The mind fairly boggles at the many creative uses of the many creative uses of the word. How can anyone be offended when you say "FUCK"? Use fuck in your daily speech proudly. Fuck adds prestige to any conversextion. Put this colorful four letter word to work for you. Today tell someone you know "fuck you" ... or "Let's fuck!"

But where did this fucking word come from?

In England , fucking long ago, a person could not have sex unless you had consent of the King (unless you were in the Royal Family). When anyone wanted to have a baby, they requested consent from the King, the King then gave them a fucking placard that they hung on their door while they were having sex. The placard read: F.U.C.K (Fornication Under Consent of the King) written on it.

The first time it appeared in print was in 1503 in a poem by Dunbar.Then the great writer James Joyce published the word "Fuck" in his book "Ulysses" in 1922, nevertheless the word remained a major taboo in formal writing. "

Fuck was not widely used until after World War 2, in which it is seen in such acronyms as FUBIS (Fuck you buddy I'm shipping out) or FUBAR (Fucked up beyond all recognition) by sailors. Hence the term.. Swearing like a sailor. The true glory of the word "fuck" was not brought to its potential till the 1970's when it's meaning came to include "nothing", "bad luck", "the spirit, ex- kicking the fuck out of", and "indicating a difference of importance

The closest word to the English fuck is the German word "frikken" or the Norweigen word "fukken" all which mean to copulate. . In Swedish "focka" means to strike or push, "fock" describes a penis

So there you have it.

FUCKING HELL!

If this offended you.. I don’t give a fuck.

5 Things I Hate About Facebook

2010-01-08T01:50:00.000-08:00

Please join my....

Oh look! Another group invitation?! Let’s see. “So and so invited you to join the I-Know-a-Zimbabwean-who-knows-a-Zambian-who-knows-Robert-Mugabe group.” Or “So and so invited you to become a fan of the-band-they-started-in-the-garage-yesterday”. But wait.. didn’t I ignore this 3 times already? Fucking stop it! I do not want to join in your suckfest! Why should I join your retarded group? I am a member of a hundred groups already, of things I care about or like! I don not like your stupid motherfucking band and I do not want updates on how long your practice went on today before your mom called you in for dinner! And I do not wanna be invited to your first live gig ever because I live in CPT and you live in Pofadder. Fuck.Off!

Couples

When people in relationships write on each other's walls every 10 minutes and refer to each other as "baby" "sweetie" "honey" whatever. We get it, you're in a relationship. Go find something better to do. Albums full of really-close-cause-they're-taken-by-the-people-in-them couples pictures. Disgusting and embarrassing.

If you want to make it all so very public why not make in interesting to all of us and post your sex pictures or say things like “ I love you so much baby even though your penis is kinda small!” I mean we are just laughing at you people anyway!

Retarded Status Updates

Like “I hate her so much” or “I’m so sad” forcing people to ask who, why or are you ok? Fuck.off you emo bitch!

Or people who share way too much. Dude.. I don’t wanna know that you’re dad is in prison. I don’t wanna know that your mommy touches your special place. Phone motherfucking lifeline and stop bringing everyone down with your pity party!

Stop looking for attention its pathetic.

Fucking applications!

Listen all you sociopathic knuckle draggers with your motherfucking Farmville/ Mafia Wars/ Medical Mayhem/ Cafeville or what-fucking-ever-ville people. You stickers/ hugs/ drinks/ lollipops application viruses: You are fucking annoying everyone!.

Maybe you're a 3 year old city dweller whose peepers have never even seen a MooMoo, or you may detest carrots to the point of puking but have a fetish for frozen vegetables, or maybe you are trying to get in touch with your inner swine or fowl. What sad bastards you all are. Go ask your mother for a suck on her teet and stop spamming my god damn page!

And for the sake of Mary being a virgin and Joseph believing her stop making albums of your motherfucking farms! Fuck.off!

Endless Notifications

This happens when you so much as fart in the direction of someone’s status update, picture or link. You then receive 50 updates on anyone else who liked, commented or farted on said person’s status update, link or picture. I really don’t fucking give a god damned shit about how Johnny feels about it!

Or notifications that have fuck all to do you with you! No facebook I do not want to know which of the twilight characters my friends are. I do not want to compare my movies in 2009 with them and I do not wanna find out if Youseff Random Arab Houssains motherfucking is my fucking soultmate. I already know he isn’t! Fuck.off!

5 of the most distrubing sex toys ever

2009-12-18T05:26:00.000-08:00

I just have a few questions... What happens when your penis is too long? Is it recyclable and if so.. does it go with cans or plastics?

ummmmm.... ok no, I do not understand this one... its one of thos you ask google about and regret the answer.

If this does not shrivel up your penis instantly I suggest you go see a professional. Take some boiled sweets.

My vagina is having sympathy pains, I'm not even kidding. What did you say? Anal? Oh fuck damn!

That is fucking horrifying!

Most Disturbing Twilight Products

2009-12-18T03:53:00.000-08:00

Right this dildo is pretty and it sparkles. Oh! Don't forget to throw it in the fridge before using it though, so you're sure to get that cold, lifeless feeling a real vamp's sparkly cock would be sure to have.
Well, they are Twipanties. Not much to say about these really... except well... DID YOU NOTICE ED CULLINS MOUTH ON THE INSIDE OF THE CROTCH?
And of course you'll need a Twibra to complete the set, this comes with the Cullins Family Crest. You know.. that family you will never belong to...
Yes, why wouldn't you want a pissed off giant floating Vampire stalker head staring at you while you shower?
Not really sure.what.this.means BUT if your mommy really is a "Bella", that means you are a demon spawn whose father had to rip through your mommy's stomach with his vampire teeth to release you from her womb. You also will grow abnormally fast, be a child forever, and have a totally consensual love affair with a werewolf 17 years your senior. So that's good.
Get the shadowy Ed Cullin to stand guard over your bed and remind you that you shouldn't have sex before marriage... and that it'll probably kill you
Yes this was bound to happen. Somebody was bound to make felt plush of Bella's womb with baby Renesmee inside. My question is... WHY IN THE MOTHERFUCK WOULD YOU DO THIS AND WHO THE FUCK PLAYS WITH THIS???

Momma's Boys - best reality TV show EVER!!

2009-12-18T02:51:00.000-08:00

I always use these pages to bitch about things that irritate the fuck out of me so when I come across something I love I feel I should share it. Those of you who know me know that I am a reality TV junkie (No You are a brainless retard) but rarely have I been as excited about a show as I am about Momma’s Boy.

The thing I love about this is the fact that its just so completely fucked up that I can hardly believe its on television. Do these people really exist?

Well what is it you ask?

Momma's Boys is a dating series that centers on three overly possessive yet loving mothers who must help their complacent (read pathetic) sons choose the perfect woman - and ultimately poses the question: "Who is really the most important woman in every man's life?"

Over the course of the series, we will watch intense, emotional showdowns and rivalries, as well as raw, personal moments between mother and son.
All of this will unfold as 32 single women - some classy and some brassy - vie for the attention of the three eligible bachelors and their mothers who live with them throughout the series.

Momma's Boys will uncover the conflicts between a mother's wishes and a son's desires and reveal the truth about who plays a more crucial role in a young man's life - his mother or his significant other.
But what sort of freaks would subject themselves to this humiliation and torture? Let’s meet them

Of the three guys, JoJo Bojanowski had the worst mom. It really seems like his mother wants to take a bath with him and naughty things to his cute little penis. What mother says their son is "sexy, good looking, handsome, has great muscles, and great teeth." There are such creepy undertones with every compliment she gives. I’m surprised she hasn’t slipped her tongue down his throat yet. This woman is also a Nazi. When asked what she's looking for in a woman, she reads off a list of things she's NOT looking for. She doesn't approve of her son dating a black woman, a Jewish woman, an Asian woman, a woman with a big butt, or a woman who doesn't cook and clean. And she's not joking.

Then there is Michael, the firefighter whose mother is carrying his balls in her handbag. She does his banking for him, she packs his clothes for him, she buys his underwear for him and watches him undress. I also think she might be on Prozac because she has this fanatical smile permanently stuck on her face even when she “is so upset with Michael right now”.

Michael likes tall blond girls with big boobs and too much make up and Michael’s mom likes short petite brunette’s with a medical degree.

Of the three I probably like Rob and his Mom the best. Rob is pretty respectful to the girls – the only one who is not trying to get them in a bikini for a snog in the Jacuzzi (oh yeah.. there’s plenty of that happening) and his mother is typically Jewish. Meddling and over protective but not like.. you know.. in love with her son or anything. I am glued to my seat each week.

My insides are torn each time between the horrific, just plain sick and the hilarious! And it never never disappoints! Watch it. Mondays. SABC 3. 20:00.

5 worst movies of 2009

2009-12-15T02:22:00.000-08:00

Jennifer’s Body

Had the phrase “a fucking disappointment” not existed before its release, Jennifer’s Body would have presented the perfect excuse to coin it!

Written by Diablo Cody it’s sold as a horror-comedy. What it is, is a lie! It’s a tornado of disorganized horror movie clichés and sarcastic one-liners whirling around.

The movie revolves around Jennifer, a smoking hot shallow cheerleader and Needy, the nerdette. We know Needy is a nerdette, you see, because of movie cliché #11: “hot chick + heavy-rimmed eyeglasses + unusual hair + literacy = Dorkotron 5000.” The two are therefore naturally inseparable.

They go out one night bla-bla-bla-demons-something-something she now eats boys to stay aliveThere is some blood, but you never actually see anyone get mangled. Because Fox’s wet blanket of a demon generates absolutely zero scares, Jennifer’s Body relies mostly on cheap ass startles to generate tension, such as Jennifer showing up behind people with no warning and don’t-look-behind-that-door frights where things jump into view.

How fucking stupid do you think we are??

And who the fuck cuts out a Megan Fox topless scene?!

Twilight: New Moon

Big Sigh.

The Twilight Series is an amoeba. An amoeba who’s only skill is sucking! It is fucking HORRIBLE. That’s right, horrible in all caps!

New Moon fucking sucked asshole!

The central characters are:

Bella: horny pale girl who hates life but wants to become a vampire so she can live it eternally.

Edward: Creepy stalker vampire with no personality. He likes his girls stupid and unfaithful.

Jacob: Potential rapist who runs around after other people’s girls. Werewolf who wears pants and nothing else.

This one is no different than the first, only Edward is swapped out by Jacob and Bella spends most of the movie getting to know him. I’m sorry but if you’re boyfriend is a vampire does the mind not naturally progress to a point of realization that other fucking monsters might just fucking exist also?

This movie is about lust, obsession, and abuse DISGUISED as romance and true love.

So why is the Twilight series such a big hit?

NECROPHILIA

That’s the only reason I can think of. All twilight fans are motherfucking necrophiliacs

The International

Look I can’t even tell what this movie is about even though I sat through all 5 hours of it. I guess it had something to do with spies and some foreign folks. There was a lot of fucking talking about shit I don’t understand, I think they were meant to save this one guy who fell off the roof at the end. Or something. I was just seriously bored.

I watched this movie because of Clive Owen and because I dig the dude. He makes a decent action flick, and listen when I see his face I don’t wanna listen to it talk me into nauseum, which is why I do not understand what in the motherfuck he was doing this time. In this entire movie there was one shootout in an art gallery and then that thing on the roof at the end. And then some guy you’ve never seen before comes and shoots him. Yeah.. I don’t get it either.

Horsemen

Michael Bay made this movie. I think he is trying to tell us that he was molested as a child. And Dennis Quaid must be going through an expensive divorce.

It is about some emo kids who kill either parents.

The plot is so full of inconsistencies you wonder if the guys who wrote the script got fired half way through only to be replaced by some guy who writes warning labels for a living. The whole fucking biblical motif makes no sense, and half the points raised in the first half of the movie suddenly dissapear and is never mentioned again. like where did these kids get their SAVANT medical expertise?

The kids are basically upset because their parents don’t hug them enough or touch them in bad places or don’t like them cause they’re gay. So they hang them from hooks on these really elaborate steel frames ,they get from a guy who’s real job is tattoos, and then tap their blood. Whatever happened to mass suicide?

There are a lot of scenes with grown men sobbing and snotting all over the place and on ridiculously hot asian girl who speaks german.

Jonas Brothers 3D Concert Experience

Oh good mother of god why was this abomination created?

Imagine you are strapped to an uncomfortable chair, imagine your eyes being held open my matchsticks.

Imagine the torture of the Jonas brother’s singing. Imagine thousands of screaming 12 year old girls!

Now imagine it in motherfucking 3D bitch!

‘nuff said!

Baby Freaks!

2009-12-13T04:17:00.000-08:00

Having a baby is not normal. It is a freakish grotesque abomination!
Just think about it, you have a serpent-like monster plant something inside your uterus and then, after its leached its very life force out of you it tears its way out of you in a fucking bloodied, gooey minging mess! They even made a movie about it! Look!

Everyone thinks that their baby is a miracle. Well, it fucking isn’t! If babies are miracles then miracles are dropping down the chute in trailer parks all across the motherfucking world.It turns perfectly cool badass people into squealing retards and the parents can suddenly only talk about their grown sperm! When asked if I want to hold the baby I respond with “Fuck No” which is somehow interpreted as “Oh yes! Please!”. Mommies I do not want to touch your cunt fruit. I do not want to be invited over for drinks to watch the DVD of the miracle. I do not want to see the pictures show up in my facebook feed.
In my mind your bellies are filled with chocolate and marshmallow and when the baby arrives, the motherfucking stork dropped it down the chimney! This is my fantasy and it keeps me happy.

Babies are annoying, they smell bad, they make a noise, they don’t know anything and you can’t send them to labour camps to learn a skill or make shoes. They should not be allowed in public places, anywhere near other people like restaurants, shopping malls and most certainly not in airplanes. I would have checked it with the baggage or at the very least have had the decency to put it in the overhead compartment with all the other crap!

They ogle tits openly (not only their mother’s, mind you, but any boob which gets within their limited range of vision), they have a fascination with their own bodies which borders on the obscene (and they don’t hesitate to reveal this to strangers), they even play with their own excrement and drool on others. Would we tolerate this from any other source? I think fucking not!

There are perfectly fine take away children in orphanages across the world that you can keep and love for 2 years and then send them off to boarding school. God's only son had all his diapers changed by Mary and Joseph. Maybe God doesn't like babies either. Have I gone too far? Who cares?

2009-12-10T02:14:00.000-08:00

Utterly Pathetic

2009-12-03T05:57:00.000-08:00

In the past I've kept a little folder of dumb emails and messages guys have sent me. I've just stumbled across it and though I'd share.
Here they are: -

1. Aging batman, you are gorgeous! Words almost fail me..well, almost. Your body is like a visa platinum card because its everywhere I want to be..hmm nah..I saw you across the room, as I was making my way over to you. I fell and hit my head and for insurance reasons, I am going to need your phone number..lol so, how are you dooooiiiinnng?

2. I was trying to figure out a word to describe you..but couldnt think of a good one to say how all of your facial features compliment each other amazingly to make up one gorgeous face..eyes, lips, cheeks, nose..it just all works perfectly together on you..but I just dont have the word for all those in one.

3. can you do a back flip?

4. youre so hot its making me shake, making my knees weak, weak like cheese melting down on nachos!!

5. you got a lot of issues, a lot of dislikes, a lot of requirements, and a lot of guys that wanna be on you. i dont really care about any of that but ill tell you one thing...i dig your style.

6. Hey a guy on my rygby team wants to have sex with you...really bad...

7. I know you must get this all the time but I would love to help you out of those tighty whities so you can wash them in the machine then we could make sweet sweet monkey love on it and have little moose's together.

8. What are the chances that we can hang out?
(A) 99.99999999%
(B) 50%
(C) 25%
(D) Slim to none
(E) Although I appreciate your emails and persistence to a certain extent, I have no interest in hanging out with you.
(F) I don't want to see you or have anything to do with you in any way, shape, or form. Please stop writing me emails and cease the periodic communications. There's a reason why I didn't reply, I was hoping you'd get the hint.
(G) The only way I'd hang out with you is if you promised to take me on a shopping spree and buy me anything I wanted.

9. Alrighty Cold Lacey, one last shot for you. You really are as cold as they come. Jeez, you denied me as a friend like ten times, you are stubborn. We should be friends and heres why. You wear pink, I like to talk to girls that wear pink, j/k but seriously I am a handsome guy that lives in CT. So in conclusion, if you message me back, I will send you another friend request and you will accept it, if you dont write me back...I will jump off a bridge.

10. you give me a boner!

11. Hi how are you? I looked at your profile and would like to express my desire to own you. Would you be interested in becoming one of my slaves?

12. Sup Sexy? I am Elliot from CT. Im not looking for no bitchy females or stuck up cocky ladies. Be real wit me and I will do the same. Im looking for some personality, pretty looks, likes to enjoy going out, optional about driving, got your own damn money but will spend mines sometimes. Just a real lady. Get at me and drop a number if you are like this.One

13. wow, you are absolutely amazing...thanks for being born.

14. Can I stalk you?

15. you're so hot... i'd get you pregnant just for visitation rights.

16. uhhh... excuse me, i find you very attractive. can you send me nude pics through my e-mail?

17. I would sell my soul for you.

18. You make me want to run my gf over with the car.

19. Hey, would it be ok to use one of your pics for a tattoo...or would that be a copyright infringement thing? I just need to make sure I get it in a place where I can just sit around and stare at you all day.

20. You don't know me, but I think I'm in love with you. Anyway, I wrote a song for you. Hope you like it:It's so hard to explain, maybe I've gone insaneBecause I think I've fallen for a picture on a screenI only wonder why, and I simply can't denyThat your beauty surpasses anything I've ever seenNow I'm in too deep, you've got me tossing in my sleepWith images that seem so real, and yet seem so far awayThe gravity you force on me, it brings me to my kneesI can feel it every second, every hour, every dayWith positive ambition, I'm sending a transmissionThrough the air out into somewhere, and I await your replyThough I may not know you, I'm hoping I can show youThat I'm willing to learn who you are, if you just let me tryAnd that's why I write this silly love songIt may not be the best you'll ever hearBut in these chords, I reach my goal, to show you my heart and soulAre pouring out with each and every word.

21. Hey what's going on, I have a question and I know it's stupid but I was wondering if I added you as a friend, could I see your boobs?

22. Hi:-) I figured you must be tired of cheesy "I think you're hot" lines. So this is my way of respectfully saying hello:shall i call thee the fairest of flowerslike an untamed rose unaware of its powerswith a glow so bright it leaves ones mind to ponderof your sweetest of gazes in its incomparable wonder like a light from a distance calling all boats to shoreso ones heart beats faster as your beauty makes it soarjust like the delicate warmth of a lovers starewheres the joy of a summer day if one cant picture you there?

23. I wanna rub you down in mayonnaise and hot candle wax.

24. I'm in a situation where I'm being taken for granted and not be taken care of, like I should...With that being said, I'm looking for someone to call a best friend, someone I can talk to, chill with, and express myself to sexually. Sex is not just an act, but an expression of heat and passion, and I'm looking for someone to fill that for me...Of course, you would have to get to know me first...But how do you get the answer, to a question, that has not yet been asked?...Now, if I've offended you in any way, I certainly and highly apologize...a simple "no" would suffice. But, if you are interested, let me know.

25. I would give my right arm to make out with you.

26. ur beautiful...tell me what size ur finger is and i'll run to a jeweller...those are some amazing pictures...ur parents should win an award or something.

27. I know you've had some amazing sex....would you mind telling me about it? I know I'm a creep...but I figured I'd ask and see what kind of luck I got. Or just talk dirty to me. God I don't care. You're amazing.

28. Dear Aleecia, I don't know what to do. I worry all the time about you. Maybe you have a lot to do. I suppose you get about 200 messages a day, but I really hope you don't sort me out. Maybe you've got the wrong impression of me. Please give me a chance and tell me what I do wrong that you don't answer me? The last few days I was really sad because I've gotten no messages from you. I think about you a lot and I check my mailbox all the time. I really don't want to unnerve you, but I feel like I'm talking to a wall. I mean I can say what I want and I never know if you like it, if you smiled, or even laughed, or if you are just deleting my messages because of a reason I don't know. I really like you (even if I don't know you) and it really hurts me inside. It hurts me even more when I see the status of my message: "Read". I always say to myself: "Oh she's probably just reading it or writing me back at this moment". The first thing I do after I come home from work is to check my inbox, and afterwards I feel depressed and sad. I think about you the whole day (in the morning when I get up, in the evening when I get home) it's kind of like love even if i don't know you personally...but don't think I'm a needy person. I know you're probably working your ass off and I don't want to stress you in any way. I just keep writing you my thoughts and I hope I'm still on your good list. I really would like to have the honor to talk with you. There are so many things we could talk about. I'm sure you'll never get bored unless you're bored now. You said you have enough friends...is that the reason why you don't respond to me? I think you see me as a "random guy". But I've already forgiven you for ignoring me all time. I keep praying for you every day. I hope to meet you one day in heaven (and I'm sure you won't ignore me up there) but who knows maybe we'll meet one day on the street without knowing it.

29. Sweet Jesus on ice skates! Your photos drive me over the edge.

30. Hello, I am a submissive male from just outside of CT and I would be honored to be at your feet dressed as you wish, serving as your slave. Please email me back.

31. Can I drink your bathwater?

32. what's up? how u doing? MRS qualitative girl i hope u understand me what i 'm trying to say to u, i wanna let u know that u are so beautiful & i can even see the discern in my eyes just been looking at ur profile. an it tells me u are a good on earth; so" no men can not disarray a girl like u especialy. i realy like u but don't matter to me, i wanna get to know u. don't get dillydally to get to me at this point of time & don't turn around i have never seen a high quality girl like u in my hole life, u are so tremulous, prospect, propensity & probity in my eyes. i knew u are premeditate.

33. Can I be your slave...just spend my time doing whatever you wanted me to?

33. you are ridiculously beautiful...there, i said it!! we are perfect for one another...no seriously, we are!! if opposites attract, your beautiful, sexy, soft, sweet, sensual, unbelievably hot, perfect lips, deep hypnotizing eyes, amazing body, intelligent, dear God those lips!! and i'm..well..hhhmmm..weeelllll..me. here's my only christmas wish: i asked santa to stuff you in his bag (very gently) and lay you under my tree after he moves my house to a tropical isalnad with white sandy beaches and all your friends, so ya have somebody to hang out with when ya get sick of me kissing, touching, and generally me being completely in love with you!! i'm thinking that isn't so much to ask...i don't need anymore presents till 2070 when i'm begging him to give me 1 more day with you before i die.

34. hi i know its a weird question but can u dress me up like a girl? maybe do my makeup. it could be fun and kinky :) and im actually being serious!

35. some of my friends say i have a small penis but i own 3 goats and 2 antelopes...so can we still makeout?

36. Hey...thanks for adding me :)......did u get a chance to check out my profile?.....what was ur reaction?.....do u know anyone with a foot fetish?....i hope u're the type of person that's open to any conversation....cause i am and that would be nice if u were too.... hope u're not offended by it....my foot fetish that is....it's only feet u know....they look cute and i can't help but look :).... let's just say that i appreciate women's feet...it's the second physical feature i notice on a girl....i check out her looks then her toes...soyeh.... what do u think of men that like feet?...just wondering that's all...i'm not trying to hook up with u..i'm not on to do that....i'm here to meet hot ladies and to talk about whatever comes to mind....only for fun....do u have a fetish for a certain body part on a man?...u can tell me....anyway, i hope u write back when u get a chance....we can be friends....soyeh take care....have a good one

37. Hello Lace, I've been emailing you, and you just never answer. I have had dreams about you, good dreams, and you won't believe it but Jesus gave me an epiphany and he said you were the girl I was supposed to be with. So if you believe in Jesus, then you need to believe in me. Otherwise you will let him down and I don't know what he'd do to you then.

Yeah, I didn't make any of those up.
Ladies... these men are out there!

Why you should be excited about the FIFA World Cup Draw

2009-12-02T04:22:00.000-08:00

The draw is nigh!

And maybe you are ignorant as to why this is a big deal, so let me explain it to you.

All 32 teams name’s are thrown into a hat – a very expensive hat no doubt – and then drawn to see who will be playing who. The 32 countries are about to find out the names of their rivals, the ones they need to do battle against for the ultimate prize.

This is from the FIFA website

“Indeed, every Draw throws up at least one fiercely competitive section, where several traditional powers have to fight for the right to progress. Then there are the dark horses to contend with, quality teams which strive to spring a surprise and relish the opportunity to upset the game's established heavyweights.”

This means if South Africa gets drawn with a bunch of really (really really) shit teams we might actually see a semi final, on the other hand if Germany, France, Brazil and Italy (all previous winners)are together in a group somebody is gonna get fucked the hell up!

So I hear ya’ll say you don’t follow soccer and this is all really meaningless to you,

So lemme throw some numbers at you:

2000 is the number of guests coming to this little soiree.
600 is the number of accredited broadcasters and journalists bringing it live from CT to the world.
750 000 MILLION is the number of people who will be watching it, cpt, you!

The world looks onto South Africa and only sees the bad. “Oh look at the evil racist.” “oh look at its poor aids ridden citizens.” “oh look at the imbeciles running it.” “Oh look at how poor they are” And here finally we have a chance to show them something else. To show them what we’re really about. To show them that even though we have many issues we’re still up for a fucking party! To show them what that South African hospitality is all about!

All the years and months of preparation are finally coming to an end, and this, the Final Draw is where the action really begins! This is what it’s all about! This is what sets the tone for the entire World Cup.

They will be watching us pull this thing off, setting the tone of what The Cup will be like. What they can expect. What we can expect.

This is about more that just a game, this is about bringing folks together the way only sport can. Remember The World Cup Rugby in 1995? Remember how awesome that was? Remember how great you felt?

Well here is your chance to feel that way again, only now it’s awesome on global scale. So instead of bitching of how miserable your life is, how poor you are, how fucked the government is, how much you hate politics why don’t you take a time out and be a part of something that is bigger than you. Go stand in the middle of Long Street and scream out our anthem at the top of your lungs. Grab someone who looks foreign and say “hey mate! Where the fuck you from? That’s awesome, lemme buy you a beer, we have great fucking beer here!”

The only ones allowed to NOT be excited about the draw are the fucking Irish!

Cash-in-transit (CIT) motherfuckers beware – A LETTER

2009-11-10T05:49:00.000-08:00

Dear mouth-breathers of the CIT

I know you think you own the road. I know you think you are the most badass of the badass. I know you think you are the most important thing to hit the roads since Henry Ford. It’s an honest mistake. Especially for someone who has not passed the mental level of pissing themselves and idly poking their flaccid cocks but..

Hear me now!

You are a bunch of impotent loser cockmuppets, nothing but flaccid, diseased cocks. With suspicious cheesy crusts under the foreskin. And a dubious smell. That stings when I pee. and on the lists of things that are important on the roads you register somewhere between a road cone and road kill. Yet you park wherever the fuck you feel like even when it is impossible for you to do so and then stand around looking mean with your gun in hand. Tell me.. does the Mission Impossible theme play in your head when you do that?

Do you people grow up saying “I want to be a twat with a gun one day”?

What’s the matter? Couldn’t make it into the SAP? Not even the army would take you? ADT? Local Mall??? You don’t even need matric for that.

You’re stupid and even worse than that.. obnoxious about it!

I generally have very low expectations. After I’ve woken I realize my day is unlikely to get any worse and can face the world with a spring in my step. The point of this anecdote being that my low expectations extend to everything an everyone but fuck me with a barbed wire truncheon, your idiocy make my eye-baubles vacillate. It’s disconcerting and painful. Its genuinely painful. Imagine trying to pass a bladder stone the size and consistency of a pineapple. I feel like my vagina, legs and lower back have been set on fire, and then stamped out by an obese clog-dancing troupe, and then pissed on by a lion.

You make me want to shove that motherfucking gun so far up your asshole that you will be shitting bullets with your cornflakes for a week.

I beg of you to take your rightful place in the world and fuck out of my way!

Love Me

Everything Can Fucking Kill You

2009-09-24T03:39:00.000-07:00

It seems these days that every motherfucking thing can kill you! Eco-Nazi's will not a fuck be satisfied until we are all rotting from syph in our own ass-gravy in the middle of a cunting* jungle! You know, if I could I would punch them into paralyzes!

They are trying to rid you of basic human rights here!

Meat

Meat always has some sort of deathly fucking flu or insanity inducing motherfucking bacteria that will have you running naked down a meadow swearing your mother until you finally fucking collapse from motherfucking fever! Even braai meat gives you cancer now, those little delicious tidbits of black burned awesomeness that cling to the rinds of fat are bad for you!

But you fucking never hear about some weird ass fungus growing on celery that could infect your intestines and eat you alive from the fucking inside motherfucker!And this, according to me, is far more likely!

Sleeping on a bed

It seems the material beds are made from are full of harmful bleaches and chemicals that will surely send you straight to the fucking grave. Instead you should sleep on some untreated material such as grass that will make you itch like a crack whore in rehab and you can scratch about three layers of skin of your motherfucking self! Much better idea, what the fuck would we do without you?

Shoes

Apparently shoes now contain some sort of chemical made by the Umbrella Corporation that will make you sick. Some asshole addicted Swedish scientist said so. Fuck have you been stabbing yourself with the idiot stick? Now go throw out all of your shoes and go barefoot so you can pick up foot fungi, step in heroine needles or rusty old nails. Its fine though cause you can just go wash your feet... oh snap! Hang on....

Showers

In what may be the scariest shower news since Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho," a study says shower heads can harbor tiny bacteria that come spraying into your face when you wash. Thats just fucking gross though man. Aside from the millions of bacteria being sprayed onto you the water also has all sorts of chlorines and chemicals and little evil creatures of doom in it that are extremely bad for you! So rather go dirty, I suppose bacteria hates other bacteria and they will all just fuck off you then, is that it? Be smelly and vomit inducing but at least healthy!

Wearing a motherfucking bra

This works on the theory that bras close of blood circulation and cause clots that turn into cancer somehow. Or maybe you are just too fucking lazy to put one on, or maybe you should just buy one that fucking fits right bitch?! Simple. Cockend. Christ on a pogo stick that's some serious logic at work there!

I am sick to shit of all these scare tactics that will have you believe that some fucking how you will be able to live forever if you only wear organic clothes and live of lettuce, seeds and soy! You know, all eco weenies out there,you rotting stumps of tortured idiocy, you unutterable buffoons, there is a place where people eat no meat, don't shower, water isn't chemically treated, the women don't wear bras and the word bed is long forgotten. Sounds like veggie eutopia right?

Yeah what now motherfucker. UH!

So why not be fucking thankful for what you have and go stick your walls full of fucking inspirational messages and just fucking lie there in your prozac induced happiness and leave the living to the big people! Sweet baby Christmas, is it that it? Is it really that fucking easy? Yes motherfuckers it is!

*no spell check i do not fucking mean count bitch. I meant motherfucking cunting

techno bullshit

2009-09-17T05:12:00.000-07:00

Does this sentence make sense to you?

"I-cert.com is an enabler for B2B turnkey marketing, promotion, manufacturing and product fulfillment."

If you do congratulations you're an IT person. Awesome! If not you are probably wondering if I've left my brain out in the sun too long

More and more technology marketing language forces itself onto the public from the fertile minds of Internet marketing folks, befucking words such as "turnkey," "solution," "pure play" and "enterprise" are turning up everywhere.

Sister Maria in std 5 science taught me that a solution is a solid dissolved in a liquid. And everyone knows the Enterprise is a Constellation-class star ship in the Federation fleet.

But those definitions don't fit with sentences such as "eConvergent's quick implementation process defines a company's business goals and strategies and then implements a pre-configured solution to meet those goals." Somehow, I don't think a beaker of hot water and some sugar crystals are involved.

Solution is a word that has made me crazy for years. Everything these days seems to be a fucking "solution" - marketing solutions, business solutions, human-resource-assistance solutions.

Listen.. I'd love to fucking help you but why don't you ask me a question I can understand? I understand English. I don't understand buzz-infested fucking techno-speak!

I understand “on” and “off” and about “IM's “ and “IP's” and “URL's”. I can “undo” the shit out of a “master document” and I can “cut” and “paste” like a motherfucker but fuck it what is an “orphan/widow option”? -if I have an option, I choose neither! Most families don't talk about a “relative cell address”, I'm pretty god damned sure a “baseline shift” has to do with music and when you are “updating utilities” you are catching up on the electric bill! I do not know what you want me to do when you have an “error processing ISS files”

When I pick up your “specs sheet” in the hopes of learning something new and I am greeted with a rather sexy looking picture of the device and a maze of incomprehensible terms such as : “Nominal level:+4 dBm switchable to +10 dBV” I start thinking about what's for diner tonight...

So please god dammit speak to me in English!

twighlight creepiness

2009-09-09T05:45:00.000-07:00

So we got to talking about twilight the other day, general discussion about how much it sucks some real fucking ho-bag ass and how it could only possibly appeal to high school girls and emo’s and that’s when it struck me!

This shimmering vampire boy is a motherfucking stalker! He smells this girl, fantasizes about her and breaks into her house to watch her sleep! This is not romantic, this is not love. This is fucking creepy ass obsession. No wonder so many girls are being abducted, they are confusing creepy shit with love! And this series is aimed at young girls with the deadly accuracy of a poisoned arrow.
I went trolling on the net for fan sites to assess the damage being done, one is even called “lion and lamb love” and it is but one of 1,580,000 fan sites action packed with spontaneously orgasmic teenage girls literally obsessed with this series!

Shimmer Cock is gonna make Miss Bella pregnant, first of all I’m not sure how since he is the undead but anyway for their honeymoon they go to this really hot place and have sex in the ocean. Hear the sound of a million girls swoon. So anyway next morning Miss Bella wakes up all banged to shit cause apparently Shimmer Cock go waaay out of control and started beating Miss Bella around – totally by accident of course. Anyway, she’s pregnant and the baby is growing SUPER fast and this thing will kill her at birth so Shimmer Cock makes her a vampire. But only after he cuts her open and tears her uterus open with his teeth. Yay! I have no idea how this woman managed to make that shit romantic but there you have it and now every high school girl in the fucking universe is going to wanna carry some antisocial depressed teenage boy’s baby before he goes columbine on their asses.

The stupid do indeed multiply faster than the smart!

So after she’s caused as much damage with vampires as she possibly could (what with destroying years or vampiric badassness and impregnating tweens) she is now peddling a werewolves series!
I wonder what their special will be? Maybe their fur will have magical healing powers? No way… not near gay enough! Maybe when the wind blows through their fur it will make music. Music that lure girls and smash them across rocks. Like Sirens. Both gay and creepy! Success!

the game

2009-09-09T04:12:00.000-07:00

So there’s this book called “The Game”. The author Neil Strauss claims to be able to turn any old average fucking loser on the street into an irresistible sexual predator. He is a self professed loser who was unhappy with his life. Then he shaved his head called himself “The Style” and made it big with woman after using these techniques.

He researched the theories, tested them and copulated relentlessly for two years. Go you!

The Neg:

The PUA (pick up artist) makes an ambiguous statement or accidental insult to a beautiful woman the PUA has just met with the intent of actively demonstrating to her a lack of interest in her. My standard response to this would be pulling at my groin and saying :”Oh god you’re making dick so hard” – yeah dude, maybe not.

The Mystery Method

This is a technique based on the concept of an "indirect approach," befriending the companions of a target while ignoring her in order to make the PUA more attractive. This would then obviously make said target jump you across the table and beg you to do things with a straw that would make Jemma Jameson blush.Standard response? Moving on to someone who is interested/interesting (whichever) and not telling you about my friends crabs.

Peacocking

Apparenlty, dressing up in loud clothing or with flashy accoutrements in order to get attention from women works really well. Peacocking items include bright shiny shirts, light-up jewellery, feather boas, colourful cowboy hats, or anything else that makes one stand out in a crowd. In other words when going to a club dressed as if you’re going to a Gay Pride parade. This will make women love you!! And tell you how bloated they are and what you did with your boyfriend last night because that is what I do with my gay friends!

AMOG

In a club, it's more a game of keeping a girl isolated from other guys than it is actually picking them up. The easy way to handle any other male is to be polite to him, but act disinterested by his rap/accomplishments using tonality/body language (without coming off as patronizing/sarcastic) while simultaneously being charming to others around you. This will drop his perceived value and cause him to qualify himself to try and raise it back up. He can't fight you or do shit like that, and he can't move to insults, because you've been polite and in doing so he would be making himself look VERY BAD. Listen boys, women fucking invented the passive aggressive fight – we know you’re doing it. Standard response? Giving you two a fucking ruler!

This is the hero:

Little on the old side, little on the short side, little on the bald side.

I don’t know if I should laugh or feel sorry for the men who use these techniques! These are men who act as if their virginity was merely misplaced and might one day be replaced, as if a dearth of sex will make them metamorphose into the socially awkward school ground laughing stock nightmares they used to be!

I also have no doubts that this crap actually works, many have told me that it does, but I highly fucking doubt this works on any sort of decent girl! If insulting them or ignoring works you should know you’re dealing with a very insecure and needy girl and this bitch will fucking stalk the shit out of you!! This right here is 24/7 PMS psycho shit you’re dealing with. But seriously… don’t take my word for it. Mr Strauss used these methods on Britney Spears to get a better interview out of her:

Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

The other problem here is that these guys pick up women in clubs I’ve never heard of one doing it in the supermarket or library. . The main reason being: there they'll find plenty of girls who are easy party girls or needy and looking for some emotional validation. "Heeeeey! Laydeees. I'm Tosserino, we'll have to go back to yours to do the sex as my mom is always up late playing poker on the interweb”

If they came across a normal girl they wouldn’t know how to relate to them!

metrosexuals are fucking stupid

2009-08-31T04:19:00.000-07:00

On my list of people who are fucking stupid the metrosexual male is right up in the top five .

You know who they are, they’re fucking everywhere! Comparing shampoo bottles or polishing their rings. The ones who get upset when you touch their hair or the ones who ask to use you’re your astringent for the pimple on their nose. The ones who know what fucking astringent is! In other words the ones with no dicks (makes their skinny jeans bulge) balls, muscles or testosterone!

Taking a shower and brushing your teeth isn’t enough anymore… you need to get “manscaped”! This can not be for the sake of getting laid cause seriously fucker you might be gay, bisexual or hetro but this is totally fucking immaterial as you’ve obviously taken yourself as your own object of love.
You can not think that this is appealing to women (the ones with a personality). I mean, how many pornos have you seen lately with a lonely housewife answering the door in her robe to find the metrosexual Avon salesman at her door?

I can not bring myself to do it, when you tell me about how you had your eyebrows dyed the other day how am I supposed to fuck you after that?

Listen being self obsessed isn’t a good trait in either sex, in other words metrosexuality is a NEGATIVE term. When I hear someone define them as such I wonder if this person is ASKING me to pick up a fucking crowbar and spray their organs around the motherfucking room. Well congratulations to you then because now you can go out and buy stuff to make you look coool instead of actuallu having to be cool!

Go watch American Psycho five or six times. To his "friends," who can look at a guy and immediately identify the price and designer of every article of clothing he is wearing, Patrick Bateman is someone to be emulated. He can do 1000 sit-ups. He uses deep pore cleanser lotion and a herb-mint facial mask. He is rich, good-looking, young, and funny. Of course, he's a raging homicidal psychopath in his spare time. But why would that matter? He's fabulous!

When I wake up in the morning and I decide I totally just hate everything I want to be able to walk up to my man say:”honey, I want that wall broken down, I will do something naughty to say thank you” He should then say:” Of cours dear, let me just call Bill and Bob to come over and help me”
He should not say: “ I’m getting sweeeaaatttyyy. Can I stooop now”? pleeeeaaase??”

So seriously jesus.. grow a pair!!

Julius Malema - uncircumcised fool

2009-08-26T08:30:00.000-07:00

When I was in grade 1 a girl in my class was held back for a second year. Seems that throughout the year she was given pink clay and when at the end of the year they gave her blue clay and she didn't know what to do with it.

Perhaps Julius ”Little Julie” Malema was only given a race card to play with? With the next eclipse of the sun it will be the fault of whites because they don't want it to shine on Africans. He is that little irritating yapper dog you kick when nobody is looking.

His school career was undistinguished and he failed two high school grades as well as several subjects in his final secondary school examination. Including woodwork – on standard grade (enter clever joke on making cabinet) The South African Department of Education later confirmed the legitimacy of the results.

He eventually finished high school at age 21. He should have given up!Surely this is a sign of mental retardation? It doesn't sit well with me that a politician would have the mental equivalence's of something stuck to the sole of my shoe. But as he says: “(on Zuma) If he is uneducated then we want him as our uneducated president. We don't want sophistication.” Really? We don't?

This man is a fucking liability... like your senile grandmother at Christmas dinner swearing in front the priest.

In January 2009, he suggested that the woman who accused president Zuma of rape had a "nice time" with him because in the morning she had "requested breakfast and taxi money" Come on now, really? Pull the twig out of my ass this is too much!!

He has called Helen Zille, the female DA leader, an "apartheid spy",a "racist, colonialist and imperialist", and a "little racist girl", despite Helen Zille having had very strong involvement in the Black Sash and other anti-apartheid movements. He also said the role of her deputy and DA chairperson, Joe Seremane, was "to smile at the madam." Zille hit back by describing Malema as an "inkwenkwe", a derogatory word referring to an uncircumcised boy. Malema is, in fact, uncircumcised despite circumcision being a rite of passage in Pedi culture as well.

This man MUST be a virgin, my Gran always told me that masturbating will turn my brain to mush. This is my only explanation.

Julius is a real ass-et to the ANC. He's made clear the challenge he faces: mental fucking defection. He could not tell the difference between the moon and sun if he stared at it with the naked eye!

I say this man has a real future in breakfast radio.. you know, if the whole cabinet doesn't work out.

real vampires suck

2009-08-19T08:49:00.000-07:00

For Sam (aka my awesome)

There are people out there who believe themselves to be real vampires. Vampires in that they drink the blood of other people out there. Don’t worry; they only drink blood from the willing, of course because taking it from someone weaker than your bad vampire self is just not done. These people hang around Internet chat rooms and forums “mysteriously appearing on their coffins” or “ sullenly staring out form under their hoods”. They are basically awkward teenagers who instead of going out to find a life stayed in their rooms and built a ridiculous vocabulary so that they could “battle” other vampire houses by calling them stupid in really elaborate ways.

No, this is not fantasy role-playing; these people are even more pathetic than that.

So I went and did some research – cause I'm not one for quick judgments you know cough. Only its really fucking hard getting an answer, which i totally understand cause if i was this fucking retarded I'd wanna keep it a secret too. Yes a few kids who were bullied at school and never played outside like to hang out in the dark and drink blood, but they are no more a "real vampire" than someone who eats seeds and crouches over eggs all day is a "real chicken"

Apparently, you don’t know you’re a vampire until you’re older, so who knows who could end up being one?

If you aren’t sure whether you’re a vampire, there are a few ‘symptoms’ to notice: an insatiable thirst (for blood, of course), chronic headache, muscle pains and spasms, insomnia, emotional distress, paranoia and general mental instability. Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention the tendency to explode when your skin touches sunlight.

You know, some of those above symptoms sound like a pretty fucking serious condition, and they might be mistaking lead poisoning for “bad ass”.

Upon further investigation I stumbled upon this conversation:

Lonely emo #1: “You cannot and will not be turned by drinking another vampire’s blood. The only way to be turned is to drink the blood of a master vampire. And the chances of that happening are slim to none, as there are only around 20 masters in the world.”

Lonely emo #2: “As it so happens, my husband is a master vampire.”

mmmmm

The real deal with “real” vampires are that there is some intelligent sounding drug found in blood that's also found in turkey – which is why it makes you feel all warm and sleepy. So basically the weird ass kid at the back of the class with the oily hair turned into a drug addict with dementia. Real vampires fall in love with teenage girls instead of eating them cause thats sooo pre-twilight, real vampires wank to the airbrushed pictures of girls covered in blood stuck on their walls

They should sue themselves for being so fucking stupid, I mean jesus they believe in a thing called the cathedral of flesh! The Cathedral of Flesh is a gigantic living being formed into a cathedral. Tzimisce legend and aesthetics hold it the most beautiful creation ever. It is said that the high priest was part of the cathedral and that he spoke with its walls instead of showing himself in person. The cathedral has moved several times since it was created and is now located under New York City .

Anyone who claims to be a vampire is obviously someone who didn't get enough attention as a child or throughout school, and compensates for it by making shit up.

Vampires aren't real and anyone that thinks they are should meet my posse:

There used to be a real vampire, but he hooked up with the tooth fairy and now rainbows shoot out of his asshole and lollipops rain down from the fucking sky. Annie sang a song about it!

swine flu? really?

2009-08-13T04:02:00.000-07:00

As some of you know i'm mexican (ok half) but don't assume this is the reason I wanna punch people in the boob for going on about swine flu, it is my common sense that compels me!

Quickly, don your paper masks! Stay indoors! The dirty Mexican pig influenza is here to sicken you!

I've said that I wont be commenting on this but my hands been forced.

Swine flu is NOT a big deal! Its like terrorism,it scares the shit out of you but theres next to fuck all chance of it actually happening to you.

How many people live in this country? About 45 million! How many have died? Who knows, some say two some say three only, one died of food poisoning and one is only a guess since it wasn't actually confirmed by doctors or family.

Would you like to know how many die of regular flu in South Africa? Around 10 000 each year. Now how much do you fucking worry when you get regular flu?

Scientist say this strain is relatively mild, so until swine learns to hijack a motherfucking plane don't talk to me about it!

And just in case you do have swine flu just remember its milder than regular flu so shut the fuck up and stop being fucking stupid

This blog is now about Lady GaGa's penis

Even without that bulge this is not a woman