Everything Can Fucking Kill You

It seems these days that every motherfucking thing can kill you! Eco-Nazi's will not a fuck be satisfied until we are all rotting from syph in our own ass-gravy in the middle of a cunting* jungle! You know, if I could I would punch them into paralyzes!

They are trying to rid you of basic human rights here!

Meat

Meat always has some sort of deathly fucking flu or insanity inducing motherfucking bacteria that will have you running naked down a meadow swearing your mother until you finally fucking collapse from motherfucking fever! Even braai meat gives you cancer now, those little delicious tidbits of black burned awesomeness that cling to the rinds of fat are bad for you!

But you fucking never hear about some weird ass fungus growing on celery that could infect your intestines and eat you alive from the fucking inside motherfucker!And this, according to me, is far more likely!

Sleeping on a bed

It seems the material beds are made from are full of harmful bleaches and chemicals that will surely send you straight to the fucking grave. Instead you should sleep on some untreated material such as grass that will make you itch like a crack whore in rehab and you can scratch about three layers of skin of your motherfucking self! Much better idea, what the fuck would we do without you?

Shoes

Apparently shoes now contain some sort of chemical made by the Umbrella Corporation that will make you sick. Some asshole addicted Swedish scientist said so. Fuck have you been stabbing yourself with the idiot stick? Now go throw out all of your shoes and go barefoot so you can pick up foot fungi, step in heroine needles or rusty old nails. Its fine though cause you can just go wash your feet... oh snap! Hang on....

Showers

In what may be the scariest shower news since Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho," a study says shower heads can harbor tiny bacteria that come spraying into your face when you wash. Thats just fucking gross though man. Aside from the millions of bacteria being sprayed onto you the water also has all sorts of chlorines and chemicals and little evil creatures of doom in it that are extremely bad for you! So rather go dirty, I suppose bacteria hates other bacteria and they will all just fuck off you then, is that it? Be smelly and vomit inducing but at least healthy!

Wearing a motherfucking bra

This works on the theory that bras close of blood circulation and cause clots that turn into cancer somehow. Or maybe you are just too fucking lazy to put one on, or maybe you should just buy one that fucking fits right bitch?! Simple. Cockend. Christ on a pogo stick that's some serious logic at work there!

I am sick to shit of all these scare tactics that will have you believe that some fucking how you will be able to live forever if you only wear organic clothes and live of lettuce, seeds and soy! You know, all eco weenies out there,you rotting stumps of tortured idiocy, you unutterable buffoons, there is a place where people eat no meat, don't shower, water isn't chemically treated, the women don't wear bras and the word bed is long forgotten. Sounds like veggie eutopia right?

Yeah what now motherfucker. UH!

So why not be fucking thankful for what you have and go stick your walls full of fucking inspirational messages and just fucking lie there in your prozac induced happiness and leave the living to the big people! Sweet baby Christmas, is it that it? Is it really that fucking easy? Yes motherfuckers it is!

*no spell check i do not fucking mean count bitch. I meant motherfucking cunting

techno bullshit

Does this sentence make sense to you?

"I-cert.com is an enabler for B2B turnkey marketing, promotion, manufacturing and product fulfillment."

If you do congratulations you're an IT person. Awesome! If not you are probably wondering if I've left my brain out in the sun too long

More and more technology marketing language forces itself onto the public from the fertile minds of Internet marketing folks, befucking words such as "turnkey," "solution," "pure play" and "enterprise" are turning up everywhere.

Sister Maria in std 5 science taught me that a solution is a solid dissolved in a liquid. And everyone knows the Enterprise is a Constellation-class star ship in the Federation fleet.

But those definitions don't fit with sentences such as "eConvergent's quick implementation process defines a company's business goals and strategies and then implements a pre-configured solution to meet those goals." Somehow, I don't think a beaker of hot water and some sugar crystals are involved.

Solution is a word that has made me crazy for years. Everything these days seems to be a fucking "solution" - marketing solutions, business solutions, human-resource-assistance solutions.

Listen.. I'd love to fucking help you but why don't you ask me a question I can understand? I understand English. I don't understand buzz-infested fucking techno-speak!

I understand “on” and “off” and about “IM's “ and “IP's” and “URL's”. I can “undo” the shit out of a “master document” and I can “cut” and “paste” like a motherfucker but fuck it what is an “orphan/widow option”? -if I have an option, I choose neither! Most families don't talk about a “relative cell address”, I'm pretty god damned sure a “baseline shift” has to do with music and when you are “updating utilities” you are catching up on the electric bill! I do not know what you want me to do when you have an “error processing ISS files”

When I pick up your “specs sheet” in the hopes of learning something new and I am greeted with a rather sexy looking picture of the device and a maze of incomprehensible terms such as : “Nominal level:+4 dBm switchable to +10 dBV” I start thinking about what's for diner tonight...

So please god dammit speak to me in English!

twighlight creepiness

So we got to talking about twilight the other day, general discussion about how much it sucks some real fucking ho-bag ass and how it could only possibly appeal to high school girls and emo’s and that’s when it struck me!

This shimmering vampire boy is a motherfucking stalker! He smells this girl, fantasizes about her and breaks into her house to watch her sleep! This is not romantic, this is not love. This is fucking creepy ass obsession. No wonder so many girls are being abducted, they are confusing creepy shit with love! And this series is aimed at young girls with the deadly accuracy of a poisoned arrow.
I went trolling on the net for fan sites to assess the damage being done, one is even called “lion and lamb love” and it is but one of 1,580,000 fan sites action packed with spontaneously orgasmic teenage girls literally obsessed with this series!

Shimmer Cock is gonna make Miss Bella pregnant, first of all I’m not sure how since he is the undead but anyway for their honeymoon they go to this really hot place and have sex in the ocean. Hear the sound of a million girls swoon. So anyway next morning Miss Bella wakes up all banged to shit cause apparently Shimmer Cock go waaay out of control and started beating Miss Bella around – totally by accident of course. Anyway, she’s pregnant and the baby is growing SUPER fast and this thing will kill her at birth so Shimmer Cock makes her a vampire. But only after he cuts her open and tears her uterus open with his teeth. Yay! I have no idea how this woman managed to make that shit romantic but there you have it and now every high school girl in the fucking universe is going to wanna carry some antisocial depressed teenage boy’s baby before he goes columbine on their asses.

The stupid do indeed multiply faster than the smart!

So after she’s caused as much damage with vampires as she possibly could (what with destroying years or vampiric badassness and impregnating tweens) she is now peddling a werewolves series!
I wonder what their special will be? Maybe their fur will have magical healing powers? No way… not near gay enough! Maybe when the wind blows through their fur it will make music. Music that lure girls and smash them across rocks. Like Sirens. Both gay and creepy! Success!

the game

So there’s this book called “The Game”. The author Neil Strauss claims to be able to turn any old average fucking loser on the street into an irresistible sexual predator. He is a self professed loser who was unhappy with his life. Then he shaved his head called himself “The Style” and made it big with woman after using these techniques.

He researched the theories, tested them and copulated relentlessly for two years. Go you!

The Neg:

The PUA (pick up artist) makes an ambiguous statement or accidental insult to a beautiful woman the PUA has just met with the intent of actively demonstrating to her a lack of interest in her. My standard response to this would be pulling at my groin and saying :”Oh god you’re making dick so hard” – yeah dude, maybe not.

The Mystery Method

This is a technique based on the concept of an "indirect approach," befriending the companions of a target while ignoring her in order to make the PUA more attractive. This would then obviously make said target jump you across the table and beg you to do things with a straw that would make Jemma Jameson blush.Standard response? Moving on to someone who is interested/interesting (whichever) and not telling you about my friends crabs.

Peacocking

Apparenlty, dressing up in loud clothing or with flashy accoutrements in order to get attention from women works really well. Peacocking items include bright shiny shirts, light-up jewellery, feather boas, colourful cowboy hats, or anything else that makes one stand out in a crowd. In other words when going to a club dressed as if you’re going to a Gay Pride parade. This will make women love you!! And tell you how bloated they are and what you did with your boyfriend last night because that is what I do with my gay friends!

AMOG

In a club, it's more a game of keeping a girl isolated from other guys than it is actually picking them up. The easy way to handle any other male is to be polite to him, but act disinterested by his rap/accomplishments using tonality/body language (without coming off as patronizing/sarcastic) while simultaneously being charming to others around you. This will drop his perceived value and cause him to qualify himself to try and raise it back up. He can't fight you or do shit like that, and he can't move to insults, because you've been polite and in doing so he would be making himself look VERY BAD. Listen boys, women fucking invented the passive aggressive fight – we know you’re doing it. Standard response? Giving you two a fucking ruler!

This is the hero:


Little on the old side, little on the short side, little on the bald side.

I don’t know if I should laugh or feel sorry for the men who use these techniques! These are men who act as if their virginity was merely misplaced and might one day be replaced, as if a dearth of sex will make them metamorphose into the socially awkward school ground laughing stock nightmares they used to be!

I also have no doubts that this crap actually works, many have told me that it does, but I highly fucking doubt this works on any sort of decent girl! If insulting them or ignoring works you should know you’re dealing with a very insecure and needy girl and this bitch will fucking stalk the shit out of you!! This right here is 24/7 PMS psycho shit you’re dealing with. But seriously… don’t take my word for it. Mr Strauss used these methods on Britney Spears to get a better interview out of her:

Exhibit A:


Exhibit B:


The other problem here is that these guys pick up women in clubs I’ve never heard of one doing it in the supermarket or library. . The main reason being: there they'll find plenty of girls who are easy party girls or needy and looking for some emotional validation. "Heeeeey! Laydeees. I'm Tosserino, we'll have to go back to yours to do the sex as my mom is always up late playing poker on the interweb”

If they came across a normal girl they wouldn’t know how to relate to them!

metrosexuals are fucking stupid

On my list of people who are fucking stupid the metrosexual male is right up in the top five .

You know who they are, they’re fucking everywhere! Comparing shampoo bottles or polishing their rings. The ones who get upset when you touch their hair or the ones who ask to use you’re your astringent for the pimple on their nose. The ones who know what fucking astringent is! In other words the ones with no dicks (makes their skinny jeans bulge) balls, muscles or testosterone!

Taking a shower and brushing your teeth isn’t enough anymore… you need to get “manscaped”! This can not be for the sake of getting laid cause seriously fucker you might be gay, bisexual or hetro but this is totally fucking immaterial as you’ve obviously taken yourself as your own object of love.
You can not think that this is appealing to women (the ones with a personality). I mean, how many pornos have you seen lately with a lonely housewife answering the door in her robe to find the metrosexual Avon salesman at her door?

I can not bring myself to do it, when you tell me about how you had your eyebrows dyed the other day how am I supposed to fuck you after that?

Listen being self obsessed isn’t a good trait in either sex, in other words metrosexuality is a NEGATIVE term. When I hear someone define them as such I wonder if this person is ASKING me to pick up a fucking crowbar and spray their organs around the motherfucking room. Well congratulations to you then because now you can go out and buy stuff to make you look coool instead of actuallu having to be cool!

Go watch American Psycho five or six times. To his "friends," who can look at a guy and immediately identify the price and designer of every article of clothing he is wearing, Patrick Bateman is someone to be emulated. He can do 1000 sit-ups. He uses deep pore cleanser lotion and a herb-mint facial mask. He is rich, good-looking, young, and funny. Of course, he's a raging homicidal psychopath in his spare time. But why would that matter? He's fabulous!

When I wake up in the morning and I decide I totally just hate everything I want to be able to walk up to my man say:”honey, I want that wall broken down, I will do something naughty to say thank you” He should then say:” Of cours dear, let me just call Bill and Bob to come over and help me”
He should not say: “ I’m getting sweeeaaatttyyy. Can I stooop now”? pleeeeaaase??”

So seriously jesus.. grow a pair!!

Julius Malema - uncircumcised fool

When I was in grade 1 a girl in my class was held back for a second year. Seems that throughout the year she was given pink clay and when at the end of the year they gave her blue clay and she didn't know what to do with it.

Perhaps Julius ”Little Julie” Malema was only given a race card to play with? With the next eclipse of the sun it will be the fault of whites because they don't want it to shine on Africans. He is that little irritating yapper dog you kick when nobody is looking.

His school career was undistinguished and he failed two high school grades as well as several subjects in his final secondary school examination. Including woodwork – on standard grade (enter clever joke on making cabinet) The South African Department of Education later confirmed the legitimacy of the results.

He eventually finished high school at age 21. He should have given up!Surely this is a sign of mental retardation? It doesn't sit well with me that a politician would have the mental equivalence's of something stuck to the sole of my shoe. But as he says: “(on Zuma) If he is uneducated then we want him as our uneducated president. We don't want sophistication.” Really? We don't?

This man is a fucking liability... like your senile grandmother at Christmas dinner swearing in front the priest.

In January 2009, he suggested that the woman who accused president Zuma of rape had a "nice time" with him because in the morning she had "requested breakfast and taxi money" Come on now, really? Pull the twig out of my ass this is too much!!

He has called Helen Zille, the female DA leader, an "apartheid spy",a "racist, colonialist and imperialist", and a "little racist girl", despite Helen Zille having had very strong involvement in the Black Sash and other anti-apartheid movements. He also said the role of her deputy and DA chairperson, Joe Seremane, was "to smile at the madam." Zille hit back by describing Malema as an "inkwenkwe", a derogatory word referring to an uncircumcised boy. Malema is, in fact, uncircumcised despite circumcision being a rite of passage in Pedi culture as well.

This man MUST be a virgin, my Gran always told me that masturbating will turn my brain to mush. This is my only explanation.

Julius is a real ass-et to the ANC. He's made clear the challenge he faces: mental fucking defection. He could not tell the difference between the moon and sun if he stared at it with the naked eye!

I say this man has a real future in breakfast radio.. you know, if the whole cabinet doesn't work out.

real vampires suck

For Sam (aka my awesome)

There are people out there who believe themselves to be real vampires. Vampires in that they drink the blood of other people out there. Don’t worry; they only drink blood from the willing, of course because taking it from someone weaker than your bad vampire self is just not done. These people hang around Internet chat rooms and forums “mysteriously appearing on their coffins” or “ sullenly staring out form under their hoods”. They are basically awkward teenagers who instead of going out to find a life stayed in their rooms and built a ridiculous vocabulary so that they could “battle” other vampire houses by calling them stupid in really elaborate ways.

No, this is not fantasy role-playing; these people are even more pathetic than that.

So I went and did some research – cause I'm not one for quick judgments you know cough. Only its really fucking hard getting an answer, which i totally understand cause if i was this fucking retarded I'd wanna keep it a secret too. Yes a few kids who were bullied at school and never played outside like to hang out in the dark and drink blood, but they are no more a "real vampire" than someone who eats seeds and crouches over eggs all day is a "real chicken"

Apparently, you don’t know you’re a vampire until you’re older, so who knows who could end up being one?

If you aren’t sure whether you’re a vampire, there are a few ‘symptoms’ to notice: an insatiable thirst (for blood, of course), chronic headache, muscle pains and spasms, insomnia, emotional distress, paranoia and general mental instability. Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention the tendency to explode when your skin touches sunlight.

You know, some of those above symptoms sound like a pretty fucking serious condition, and they might be mistaking lead poisoning for “bad ass”.

Upon further investigation I stumbled upon this conversation:

Lonely emo #1: “You cannot and will not be turned by drinking another vampire’s blood. The only way to be turned is to drink the blood of a master vampire. And the chances of that happening are slim to none, as there are only around 20 masters in the world.”

Lonely emo #2: “As it so happens, my husband is a master vampire.”

mmmmm

The real deal with “real” vampires are that there is some intelligent sounding drug found in blood that's also found in turkey – which is why it makes you feel all warm and sleepy. So basically the weird ass kid at the back of the class with the oily hair turned into a drug addict with dementia. Real vampires fall in love with teenage girls instead of eating them cause thats sooo pre-twilight, real vampires wank to the airbrushed pictures of girls covered in blood stuck on their walls

They should sue themselves for being so fucking stupid, I mean jesus they believe in a thing called the cathedral of flesh! The Cathedral of Flesh is a gigantic living being formed into a cathedral. Tzimisce legend and aesthetics hold it the most beautiful creation ever. It is said that the high priest was part of the cathedral and that he spoke with its walls instead of showing himself in person. The cathedral has moved several times since it was created and is now located under New York City .

Anyone who claims to be a vampire is obviously someone who didn't get enough attention as a child or throughout school, and compensates for it by making shit up.

Vampires aren't real and anyone that thinks they are should meet my posse:

There used to be a real vampire, but he hooked up with the tooth fairy and now rainbows shoot out of his asshole and lollipops rain down from the fucking sky. Annie sang a song about it!