Monday, August 31, 2009

metrosexuals are fucking stupid

On my list of people who are fucking stupid the metrosexual male is right up in the top five .

You know who they are, they’re fucking everywhere! Comparing shampoo bottles or polishing their rings. The ones who get upset when you touch their hair or the ones who ask to use you’re your astringent for the pimple on their nose. The ones who know what fucking astringent is! In other words the ones with no dicks (makes their skinny jeans bulge) balls, muscles or testosterone!

Taking a shower and brushing your teeth isn’t enough anymore… you need to get “manscaped”! This can not be for the sake of getting laid cause seriously fucker you might be gay, bisexual or hetro but this is totally fucking immaterial as you’ve obviously taken yourself as your own object of love.
You can not think that this is appealing to women (the ones with a personality). I mean, how many pornos have you seen lately with a lonely housewife answering the door in her robe to find the metrosexual Avon salesman at her door?

I can not bring myself to do it, when you tell me about how you had your eyebrows dyed the other day how am I supposed to fuck you after that?

Listen being self obsessed isn’t a good trait in either sex, in other words metrosexuality is a NEGATIVE term. When I hear someone define them as such I wonder if this person is ASKING me to pick up a fucking crowbar and spray their organs around the motherfucking room. Well congratulations to you then because now you can go out and buy stuff to make you look coool instead of actuallu having to be cool!

Go watch American Psycho five or six times. To his "friends," who can look at a guy and immediately identify the price and designer of every article of clothing he is wearing, Patrick Bateman is someone to be emulated. He can do 1000 sit-ups. He uses deep pore cleanser lotion and a herb-mint facial mask. He is rich, good-looking, young, and funny. Of course, he's a raging homicidal psychopath in his spare time. But why would that matter? He's fabulous!

When I wake up in the morning and I decide I totally just hate everything I want to be able to walk up to my man say:”honey, I want that wall broken down, I will do something naughty to say thank you” He should then say:” Of cours dear, let me just call Bill and Bob to come over and help me”
He should not say: “ I’m getting sweeeaaatttyyy. Can I stooop now”? pleeeeaaase??”

So seriously jesus.. grow a pair!!

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Julius Malema - uncircumcised fool


When I was in grade 1 a girl in my class was held back for a second year. Seems that throughout the year she was given pink clay and when at the end of the year they gave her blue clay and she didn't know what to do with it.

Perhaps Julius ”Little Julie” Malema was only given a race card to play with? With the next eclipse of the sun it will be the fault of whites because they don't want it to shine on Africans. He is that little irritating yapper dog you kick when nobody is looking.

His school career was undistinguished and he failed two high school grades as well as several subjects in his final secondary school examination. Including woodwork – on standard grade (enter clever joke on making cabinet) The South African Department of Education later confirmed the legitimacy of the results.


He eventually finished high school at age 21. He should have given up!Surely this is a sign of mental retardation? It doesn't sit well with me that a politician would have the mental equivalence's of something stuck to the sole of my shoe. But as he says: “(on Zuma) If he is uneducated then we want him as our uneducated president. We don't want sophistication.” Really? We don't?

This man is a fucking liability... like your senile grandmother at Christmas dinner swearing in front the priest.


In January 2009, he suggested that the woman who accused president Zuma of rape had a "nice time" with him because in the morning she had "requested breakfast and taxi money" Come on now, really? Pull the twig out of my ass this is too much!!

He has called Helen Zille, the female DA leader, an "apartheid spy",a "racist, colonialist and imperialist", and a "little racist girl", despite Helen Zille having had very strong involvement in the Black Sash and other anti-apartheid movements. He also said the role of her deputy and DA chairperson, Joe Seremane, was "to smile at the madam." Zille hit back by describing Malema as an "inkwenkwe", a derogatory word referring to an uncircumcised boy. Malema is, in fact, uncircumcised despite circumcision being a rite of passage in Pedi culture as well.

This man MUST be a virgin, my Gran always told me that masturbating will turn my brain to mush. This is my only explanation.


Julius is a real ass-et to the ANC. He's made clear the challenge he faces: mental fucking defection. He could not tell the difference between the moon and sun if he stared at it with the naked eye!

I say this man has a real future in breakfast radio.. you know, if the whole cabinet doesn't work out.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

real vampires suck

For Sam (aka my awesome)

There are people out there who believe themselves to be real vampires. Vampires in that they drink the blood of other people out there. Don’t worry; they only drink blood from the willing, of course because taking it from someone weaker than your bad vampire self is just not done. These people hang around Internet chat rooms and forums “mysteriously appearing on their coffins” or “ sullenly staring out form under their hoods”. They are basically awkward teenagers who instead of going out to find a life stayed in their rooms and built a ridiculous vocabulary so that they could “battle” other vampire houses by calling them stupid in really elaborate ways.


No, this is not fantasy role-playing; these people are even more pathetic than that.

So I went and did some research – cause I'm not one for quick judgments you know cough. Only its really fucking hard getting an answer, which i totally understand cause if i was this fucking retarded I'd wanna keep it a secret too. Yes a few kids who were bullied at school and never played outside like to hang out in the dark and drink blood, but they are no more a "real vampire" than someone who eats seeds and crouches over eggs all day is a "real chicken"

Apparently, you don’t know you’re a vampire until you’re older, so who knows who could end up being one?

If you aren’t sure whether you’re a vampire, there are a few ‘symptoms’ to notice: an insatiable thirst (for blood, of course), chronic headache, muscle pains and spasms, insomnia, emotional distress, paranoia and general mental instability. Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention the tendency to explode when your skin touches sunlight.

You know, some of those above symptoms sound like a pretty fucking serious condition, and they might be mistaking lead poisoning for “bad ass”.

Upon further investigation I stumbled upon this conversation:

Lonely emo #1: “You cannot and will not be turned by drinking another vampire’s blood. The only way to be turned is to drink the blood of a master vampire. And the chances of that happening are slim to none, as there are only around 20 masters in the world.”

Lonely emo #2: “As it so happens, my husband is a master vampire.”


The real deal with “real” vampires are that there is some intelligent sounding drug found in blood that's also found in turkey – which is why it makes you feel all warm and sleepy. So basically the weird ass kid at the back of the class with the oily hair turned into a drug addict with dementia. Real vampires fall in love with teenage girls instead of eating them cause thats sooo pre-twilight, real vampires wank to the airbrushed pictures of girls covered in blood stuck on their walls

They should sue themselves for being so fucking stupid, I mean jesus they believe in a thing called the cathedral of flesh! The Cathedral of Flesh is a gigantic living being formed into a cathedral. Tzimisce legend and aesthetics hold it the most beautiful creation ever. It is said that the high priest was part of the cathedral and that he spoke with its walls instead of showing himself in person. The cathedral has moved several times since it was created and is now located under New York City .

Anyone who claims to be a vampire is obviously someone who didn't get enough attention as a child or throughout school, and compensates for it by making shit up.

Vampires aren't real and anyone that thinks they are should meet my posse:


There used to be a real vampire, but he hooked up with the tooth fairy and now rainbows shoot out of his asshole and lollipops rain down from the fucking sky. Annie sang a song about it!


Thursday, August 13, 2009

swine flu? really?


As some of you know i'm mexican (ok half) but don't assume this is the reason I wanna punch people in the boob for going on about swine flu, it is my common sense that compels me!

Quickly, don your paper masks! Stay indoors! The dirty Mexican pig influenza is here to sicken you!


I've said that I wont be commenting on this but my hands been forced.

Swine flu is NOT a big deal! Its like terrorism,it scares the shit out of you but theres next to fuck all chance of it actually happening to you.

How many people live in this country? About 45 million! How many have died? Who knows, some say two some say three only, one died of food poisoning and one is only a guess since it wasn't actually confirmed by doctors or family.

Would you like to know how many die of regular flu in South Africa? Around 10 000 each year. Now how much do you fucking worry when you get regular flu?

Scientist say this strain is relatively mild, so until swine learns to hijack a motherfucking plane don't talk to me about it!

And just in case you do have swine flu just remember its milder than regular flu so shut the fuck up and stop being fucking stupid

This blog is now about Lady GaGa's penis


Even without that bulge this is not a woman

I love Bheki Cele


In a country were the best political joke gets elected, and parliament is just an excuse for those least capable to get together in one room, what do you have when a politician tells you he has the answer to your problem? Two problems. Then again, it is said that bureaucracy works on the septic tank principle: the biggest chunks will inevitably drift to the top!

Bheki Cele has been appointed South Africa's new police boss. He replaces embattled former police national commissioner Jackie Selebi, whose... contract expired.

Many of us have responded in our usual disapproval on the appointment.

Cele, KwaZulu-Natal minister for community safety and who is known for his no-nonsense approach to crime - wait ok.. whats the fucking problem here??

He called for a law change to make sure police can shoot at dangerous criminals instead of being "handcuffed" by the Criminal Procedure Act.
Cele told Members of Parliament he would ask Parliament to amend section 49 of the Act when it reconvenes in August, as well as section 26, to give police greater powers to stop domestic violence.
He said the post-apartheid version of section 49 forced police to think twice before shooting, even when faced with armed bank robbers who had no scruples about killing whoever stood in their way.
"They plan properly and part of their plan is to kill people in their way. They plan for six months and that is why they don't get empty banks," he told Parliament's portfolio committee on police.

This plain-talking commissioner said the high number of police fatalities had proved that when faced with hardened criminals they could not afford to hesitate and wonder whether by law they had the right to use their firearms.
"Either he acts correctly or we bury him."
It was up to lawmakers to "take collective responsibility" to ensure that the law was fair and did not afford criminals "greater rights" than their victims. Oh my god! Fire this person right now! He makes no motherfucking sense at all! Right?

He said section 26 of the act must also be changed to remove an onus on police to ask permission before entering premises where they believe domestic abuse was underway.
"Here we have a man busy tapping his wife ( i think what he meant was: fucking her up) and police have to say 'please can I come in?' It cannot be," he said. I agree: ”It cannot fucking be?”

“That person will cry until she is silent because she is dead” he said

Folks are knocking him as they are of the totally bullshit opinion that it would promote police brutality. I put it to them that they are retarded! You people need a fucking handler! Yes, cause we should be nice to criminals – cause like.. thats what you would do right? When you're having a few beers with your buddies talking about rape and murder you say: “Oh if they would let me alone in a room with that guy i'm totally gonna... be friendly and say please and thank you?”

These same people is also saying that it would scar public opinion of police, that we would be scared of them – ummmmm so when you're calling police cause someone mugged, stabbed, killed your dog or stole your bike you want a nice friendly faggot ass cop to show up instead of one with a seriously bad attitude who could kick some criminal ass. Of course you do.

And public opinion?Bitch please. If you are dissing cops what do you think criminals are doing? We should be fucking scared of them. We should be cowering in our god damn boots! We shouldn't even want to make eye contact with these mean ass fuckers! When they walk down the road crowds should open for them like the flipping seas for the jews! Indeed criminals in this country must know that the Honeymoon is now over – the question of safety in our homes, in our streets, in our everyday lives is not a privilege but a right for which we are prepared to defend even if it means making the supreme sacrifice. By this I mean... killing FUCKING CRIMINALS!

"You can't be soft and you can't be moving around kissing crime. You need to be tough because you're dealing with tough guys".He's such a colourful speaker too!

But who exactly is our new top cop, a man who has even been described as a township tsotsi? Well, with Cele renowned in media circles for speaking his mind, what better way to describe the former Robben Island inmate than to examine a selection of his more captivating quotes...

Whether reminding Archbishop Desmond Tutu that he is not a "vice Jesus Christ" (heh heh heh) or branding SA Roadlink busses "killing machines" and "coffins on wheels" (fair enough there, really), Cele seems to have a strong opinion on pretty much everything.

My type of guy!

"They are just troublesome and everything about them stinks. Their owners' attitudes stink, their buses stink and their compliance [with labour laws] stink." This time the former teacher takes aim at the notorious SA Roadlink.

"Deadly force... Dead means you will die, that's what it means. So I never used any extra word than what it is in the law." Cele explains the concept of death in response to a question about a possible 'shoot-to-kill' approach to his new position.

"I am just concerned that criminals are using xenophobia as an excuse to commit crimes... Why else would they steal the foreigners' belongings? If you want someone to leave, you just tell them and then watch them leave... Why does one have to chase them and steal their goods?" Cele on xenophobic attacks.

"The driver of that bus was not in any state to drive because he had been turned into a complete zombie as he had driven from Johannesburg to Cape Town and while in Cape Town, he was told to drive to Durban." Cele takes SA Roadlink to task after yet another fatal accident.

Former deputy safety minister Susan Shabangu caused an outcry in 2008 when she urged police to "kill the bastards".

I like her too!

I f you don't agree with me or my friend Bheki shut the fuck up about it, I don't care.

My two cents-worth of advice for him is that he should deal with his staff members. How I would love to see a police man looking fit and healthy inside his uniform. What I am saying is, get a fucking workout. Show me a fat thief any day and I will lay off of the physical condition of our police men and women. Being tough means: being so fucking ripped i could do my washing on your abs!

PS: I like his hat