Friday, December 18, 2009

5 of the most distrubing sex toys ever

I just have a few questions... What happens when your penis is too long? Is it recyclable and if so.. does it go with cans or plastics?

ummmmm.... ok no, I do not understand this one... its one of thos you ask google about and regret the answer.

If this does not shrivel up your penis instantly I suggest you go see a professional. Take some boiled sweets.

My vagina is having sympathy pains, I'm not even kidding. What did you say? Anal? Oh fuck damn!

That is fucking horrifying!

Most Disturbing Twilight Products

Right this dildo is pretty and it sparkles. Oh! Don't forget to throw it in the fridge before using it though, so you're sure to get that cold, lifeless feeling a real vamp's sparkly cock would be sure to have.
Well, they are Twipanties. Not much to say about these really... except well... DID YOU NOTICE ED CULLINS MOUTH ON THE INSIDE OF THE CROTCH?
And of course you'll need a Twibra to complete the set, this comes with the Cullins Family Crest. You know.. that family you will never belong to...
Yes, why wouldn't you want a pissed off giant floating Vampire stalker head staring at you while you shower?
Not really sure.what.this.means BUT if your mommy really is a "Bella", that means you are a demon spawn whose father had to rip through your mommy's stomach with his vampire teeth to release you from her womb. You also will grow abnormally fast, be a child forever, and have a totally consensual love affair with a werewolf 17 years your senior. So that's good.
Get the shadowy Ed Cullin to stand guard over your bed and remind you that you shouldn't have sex before marriage... and that it'll probably kill you
Yes this was bound to happen. Somebody was bound to make felt plush of Bella's womb with baby Renesmee inside. My question is... WHY IN THE MOTHERFUCK WOULD YOU DO THIS AND WHO THE FUCK PLAYS WITH THIS???

Momma's Boys - best reality TV show EVER!!

I always use these pages to bitch about things that irritate the fuck out of me so when I come across something I love I feel I should share it. Those of you who know me know that I am a reality TV junkie (No You are a brainless retard) but rarely have I been as excited about a show as I am about Momma’s Boy.

The thing I love about this is the fact that its just so completely fucked up that I can hardly believe its on television. Do these people really exist?

Well what is it you ask?

Momma's Boys is a dating series that centers on three overly possessive yet loving mothers who must help their complacent (read pathetic) sons choose the perfect woman - and ultimately poses the question: "Who is really the most important woman in every man's life?"

Over the course of the series, we will watch intense, emotional showdowns and rivalries, as well as raw, personal moments between mother and son.

All of this will unfold as 32 single women - some classy and some brassy - vie for the attention of the three eligible bachelors and their mothers who live with them throughout the series.

Momma's Boys will uncover the conflicts between a mother's wishes and a son's desires and reveal the truth about who plays a more crucial role in a young man's life - his mother or his significant other.

But what sort of freaks would subject themselves to this humiliation and torture?
Let’s meet them

Of the three guys, JoJo Bojanowski had the worst mom. It really seems like his mother wants to take a bath with him and naughty things to his cute little penis. What mother says their son is "sexy, good looking, handsome, has great muscles, and great teeth." There are such creepy undertones with every compliment she gives. I’m surprised she hasn’t slipped her tongue down his throat yet. This woman is also a Nazi. When asked what she's looking for in a woman, she reads off a list of things she's NOT looking for. She doesn't approve of her son dating a black woman, a Jewish woman, an Asian woman, a woman with a big butt, or a woman who doesn't cook and clean. And she's not joking.

Then there is Michael, the firefighter whose mother is carrying his balls in her handbag. She does his banking for him, she packs his clothes for him, she buys his underwear for him and watches him undress. I also think she might be on Prozac because she has this fanatical smile permanently stuck on her face even when she “is so upset with Michael right now”.

Michael likes tall blond girls with big boobs and too much make up and Michael’s mom likes short petite brunette’s with a medical degree.

Of the three I probably like Rob and his Mom the best. Rob is pretty respectful to the girls – the only one who is not trying to get them in a bikini for a snog in the Jacuzzi (oh yeah.. there’s plenty of that happening) and his mother is typically Jewish. Meddling and over protective but not like.. you know.. in love with her son or anything.
I am glued to my seat each week.

My insides are torn each time between the horrific, just plain sick and the hilarious! And it never never disappoints!
Watch it. Mondays. SABC 3. 20:00.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

5 worst movies of 2009

Jennifer’s Body

Had the phrase “a fucking disappointment” not existed before its release, Jennifer’s Body would have presented the perfect excuse to coin it!

Written by Diablo Cody it’s sold as a horror-comedy. What it is, is a lie! It’s a tornado of disorganized horror movie clichés and sarcastic one-liners whirling around.

The movie revolves around Jennifer, a smoking hot shallow cheerleader and Needy, the nerdette. We know Needy is a nerdette, you see, because of movie cliché #11: “hot chick + heavy-rimmed eyeglasses + unusual hair + literacy = Dorkotron 5000.” The two are therefore naturally inseparable.

They go out one night bla-bla-bla-demons-something-something she now eats boys to stay aliveThere is some blood, but you never actually see anyone get mangled. Because Fox’s wet blanket of a demon generates absolutely zero scares, Jennifer’s Body relies mostly on cheap ass startles to generate tension, such as Jennifer showing up behind people with no warning and don’t-look-behind-that-door frights where things jump into view.

How fucking stupid do you think we are??

And who the fuck cuts out a Megan Fox topless scene?!

Twilight: New Moon

Big Sigh.

The Twilight Series is an amoeba. An amoeba who’s only skill is sucking! It is fucking HORRIBLE. That’s right, horrible in all caps!

New Moon fucking sucked asshole!

The central characters are:

Bella: horny pale girl who hates life but wants to become a vampire so she can live it eternally.

Edward: Creepy stalker vampire with no personality. He likes his girls stupid and unfaithful.

Jacob: Potential rapist who runs around after other people’s girls. Werewolf who wears pants and nothing else.

This one is no different than the first, only Edward is swapped out by Jacob and Bella spends most of the movie getting to know him. I’m sorry but if you’re boyfriend is a vampire does the mind not naturally progress to a point of realization that other fucking monsters might just fucking exist also?

This movie is about lust, obsession, and abuse DISGUISED as romance and true love.

So why is the Twilight series such a big hit?


That’s the only reason I can think of. All twilight fans are motherfucking necrophiliacs

The International

Look I can’t even tell what this movie is about even though I sat through all 5 hours of it. I guess it had something to do with spies and some foreign folks. There was a lot of fucking talking about shit I don’t understand, I think they were meant to save this one guy who fell off the roof at the end. Or something. I was just seriously bored.

I watched this movie because of Clive Owen and because I dig the dude. He makes a decent action flick, and listen when I see his face I don’t wanna listen to it talk me into nauseum, which is why I do not understand what in the motherfuck he was doing this time. In this entire movie there was one shootout in an art gallery and then that thing on the roof at the end. And then some guy you’ve never seen before comes and shoots him. Yeah.. I don’t get it either.


Michael Bay made this movie. I think he is trying to tell us that he was molested as a child. And Dennis Quaid must be going through an expensive divorce.

It is about some emo kids who kill either parents.

The plot is so full of inconsistencies you wonder if the guys who wrote the script got fired half way through only to be replaced by some guy who writes warning labels for a living. The whole fucking biblical motif makes no sense, and half the points raised in the first half of the movie suddenly dissapear and is never mentioned again. like where did these kids get their SAVANT medical expertise?

The kids are basically upset because their parents don’t hug them enough or touch them in bad places or don’t like them cause they’re gay. So they hang them from hooks on these really elaborate steel frames ,they get from a guy who’s real job is tattoos, and then tap their blood. Whatever happened to mass suicide?

There are a lot of scenes with grown men sobbing and snotting all over the place and on ridiculously hot asian girl who speaks german.

Jonas Brothers 3D Concert Experience

Oh good mother of god why was this abomination created?

Imagine you are strapped to an uncomfortable chair, imagine your eyes being held open my matchsticks.

Imagine the torture of the Jonas brother’s singing. Imagine thousands of screaming 12 year old girls!

Now imagine it in motherfucking 3D bitch!

‘nuff said!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Baby Freaks!

Having a baby is not normal. It is a freakish grotesque abomination!
Just think about it, you have a serpent-like monster plant something inside your uterus and then, after its leached its very life force out of you it tears its way out of you in a fucking bloodied, gooey minging mess! They even made a movie about it! Look!


Everyone thinks that their baby is a miracle. Well, it fucking isn’t! If babies are miracles then miracles are dropping down the chute in trailer parks all across the motherfucking world.It turns perfectly cool badass people into squealing retards and the parents can suddenly only talk about their grown sperm! When asked if I want to hold the baby I respond with “Fuck No” which is somehow interpreted as “Oh yes! Please!”. Mommies I do not want to touch your cunt fruit. I do not want to be invited over for drinks to watch the DVD of the miracle. I do not want to see the pictures show up in my facebook feed.
In my mind your bellies are filled with chocolate and marshmallow and when the baby arrives, the motherfucking stork dropped it down the chimney! This is my fantasy and it keeps me happy.

Babies are annoying, they smell bad, they make a noise, they don’t know anything and you can’t send them to labour camps to learn a skill or make shoes. They should not be allowed in public places, anywhere near other people like restaurants, shopping malls and most certainly not in airplanes. I would have checked it with the baggage or at the very least have had the decency to put it in the overhead compartment with all the other crap!

They ogle tits openly (not only their mother’s, mind you, but any boob which gets within their limited range of vision), they have a fascination with their own bodies which borders on the obscene (and they don’t hesitate to reveal this to strangers), they even play with their own excrement and drool on others. Would we tolerate this from any other source? I think fucking not!

There are perfectly fine take away children in orphanages across the world that you can keep and love for 2 years and then send them off to boarding school. God's only son had all his diapers changed by Mary and Joseph. Maybe God doesn't like babies either. Have I gone too far? Who cares?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Utterly Pathetic

In the past I've kept a little folder of dumb emails and messages guys have sent me. I've just stumbled across it and though I'd share.
Here they are: -

1. Aging batman, you are gorgeous! Words almost fail me..well, almost. Your body is like a visa platinum card because its everywhere I want to be..hmm nah..I saw you across the room, as I was making my way over to you. I fell and hit my head and for insurance reasons, I am going to need your phone so, how are you dooooiiiinnng?

2. I was trying to figure out a word to describe you..but couldnt think of a good one to say how all of your facial features compliment each other amazingly to make up one gorgeous face..eyes, lips, cheeks, just all works perfectly together on you..but I just dont have the word for all those in one.

3. can you do a back flip?

4. youre so hot its making me shake, making my knees weak, weak like cheese melting down on nachos!!

5. you got a lot of issues, a lot of dislikes, a lot of requirements, and a lot of guys that wanna be on you. i dont really care about any of that but ill tell you one thing...i dig your style.

6. Hey a guy on my rygby team wants to have sex with you...really bad...

7. I know you must get this all the time but I would love to help you out of those tighty whities so you can wash them in the machine then we could make sweet sweet monkey love on it and have little moose's together.

8. What are the chances that we can hang out?
(A) 99.99999999%
(B) 50%
(C) 25%
(D) Slim to none
(E) Although I appreciate your emails and persistence to a certain extent, I have no interest in hanging out with you.
(F) I don't want to see you or have anything to do with you in any way, shape, or form. Please stop writing me emails and cease the periodic communications. There's a reason why I didn't reply, I was hoping you'd get the hint.
(G) The only way I'd hang out with you is if you promised to take me on a shopping spree and buy me anything I wanted.

9. Alrighty Cold Lacey, one last shot for you. You really are as cold as they come. Jeez, you denied me as a friend like ten times, you are stubborn. We should be friends and heres why. You wear pink, I like to talk to girls that wear pink, j/k but seriously I am a handsome guy that lives in CT. So in conclusion, if you message me back, I will send you another friend request and you will accept it, if you dont write me back...I will jump off a bridge.

10. you give me a boner!

11. Hi how are you? I looked at your profile and would like to express my desire to own you. Would you be interested in becoming one of my slaves?

12. Sup Sexy? I am Elliot from CT. Im not looking for no bitchy females or stuck up cocky ladies. Be real wit me and I will do the same. Im looking for some personality, pretty looks, likes to enjoy going out, optional about driving, got your own damn money but will spend mines sometimes. Just a real lady. Get at me and drop a number if you are like this.One

13. wow, you are absolutely amazing...thanks for being born.

14. Can I stalk you?

15. you're so hot... i'd get you pregnant just for visitation rights.

16. uhhh... excuse me, i find you very attractive. can you send me nude pics through my e-mail?

17. I would sell my soul for you.

18. You make me want to run my gf over with the car.

19. Hey, would it be ok to use one of your pics for a tattoo...or would that be a copyright infringement thing? I just need to make sure I get it in a place where I can just sit around and stare at you all day.

20. You don't know me, but I think I'm in love with you. Anyway, I wrote a song for you. Hope you like it:It's so hard to explain, maybe I've gone insaneBecause I think I've fallen for a picture on a screenI only wonder why, and I simply can't denyThat your beauty surpasses anything I've ever seenNow I'm in too deep, you've got me tossing in my sleepWith images that seem so real, and yet seem so far awayThe gravity you force on me, it brings me to my kneesI can feel it every second, every hour, every dayWith positive ambition, I'm sending a transmissionThrough the air out into somewhere, and I await your replyThough I may not know you, I'm hoping I can show youThat I'm willing to learn who you are, if you just let me tryAnd that's why I write this silly love songIt may not be the best you'll ever hearBut in these chords, I reach my goal, to show you my heart and soulAre pouring out with each and every word.

21. Hey what's going on, I have a question and I know it's stupid but I was wondering if I added you as a friend, could I see your boobs?

22. Hi:-) I figured you must be tired of cheesy "I think you're hot" lines. So this is my way of respectfully saying hello:shall i call thee the fairest of flowerslike an untamed rose unaware of its powerswith a glow so bright it leaves ones mind to ponderof your sweetest of gazes in its incomparable wonder like a light from a distance calling all boats to shoreso ones heart beats faster as your beauty makes it soarjust like the delicate warmth of a lovers starewheres the joy of a summer day if one cant picture you there?

23. I wanna rub you down in mayonnaise and hot candle wax.

24. I'm in a situation where I'm being taken for granted and not be taken care of, like I should...With that being said, I'm looking for someone to call a best friend, someone I can talk to, chill with, and express myself to sexually. Sex is not just an act, but an expression of heat and passion, and I'm looking for someone to fill that for me...Of course, you would have to get to know me first...But how do you get the answer, to a question, that has not yet been asked?...Now, if I've offended you in any way, I certainly and highly apologize...a simple "no" would suffice. But, if you are interested, let me know.

25. I would give my right arm to make out with you.

26. ur beautiful...tell me what size ur finger is and i'll run to a jeweller...those are some amazing pictures...ur parents should win an award or something.

27. I know you've had some amazing sex....would you mind telling me about it? I know I'm a creep...but I figured I'd ask and see what kind of luck I got. Or just talk dirty to me. God I don't care. You're amazing.

28. Dear Aleecia, I don't know what to do. I worry all the time about you. Maybe you have a lot to do. I suppose you get about 200 messages a day, but I really hope you don't sort me out. Maybe you've got the wrong impression of me. Please give me a chance and tell me what I do wrong that you don't answer me? The last few days I was really sad because I've gotten no messages from you. I think about you a lot and I check my mailbox all the time. I really don't want to unnerve you, but I feel like I'm talking to a wall. I mean I can say what I want and I never know if you like it, if you smiled, or even laughed, or if you are just deleting my messages because of a reason I don't know. I really like you (even if I don't know you) and it really hurts me inside. It hurts me even more when I see the status of my message: "Read". I always say to myself: "Oh she's probably just reading it or writing me back at this moment". The first thing I do after I come home from work is to check my inbox, and afterwards I feel depressed and sad. I think about you the whole day (in the morning when I get up, in the evening when I get home) it's kind of like love even if i don't know you personally...but don't think I'm a needy person. I know you're probably working your ass off and I don't want to stress you in any way. I just keep writing you my thoughts and I hope I'm still on your good list. I really would like to have the honor to talk with you. There are so many things we could talk about. I'm sure you'll never get bored unless you're bored now. You said you have enough that the reason why you don't respond to me? I think you see me as a "random guy". But I've already forgiven you for ignoring me all time. I keep praying for you every day. I hope to meet you one day in heaven (and I'm sure you won't ignore me up there) but who knows maybe we'll meet one day on the street without knowing it.

29. Sweet Jesus on ice skates! Your photos drive me over the edge.

30. Hello, I am a submissive male from just outside of CT and I would be honored to be at your feet dressed as you wish, serving as your slave. Please email me back.

31. Can I drink your bathwater?

32. what's up? how u doing? MRS qualitative girl i hope u understand me what i 'm trying to say to u, i wanna let u know that u are so beautiful & i can even see the discern in my eyes just been looking at ur profile. an it tells me u are a good on earth; so" no men can not disarray a girl like u especialy. i realy like u but don't matter to me, i wanna get to know u. don't get dillydally to get to me at this point of time & don't turn around i have never seen a high quality girl like u in my hole life, u are so tremulous, prospect, propensity & probity in my eyes. i knew u are premeditate.

33. Can I be your slave...just spend my time doing whatever you wanted me to?

33. you are ridiculously beautiful...there, i said it!! we are perfect for one seriously, we are!! if opposites attract, your beautiful, sexy, soft, sweet, sensual, unbelievably hot, perfect lips, deep hypnotizing eyes, amazing body, intelligent, dear God those lips!! and i' here's my only christmas wish: i asked santa to stuff you in his bag (very gently) and lay you under my tree after he moves my house to a tropical isalnad with white sandy beaches and all your friends, so ya have somebody to hang out with when ya get sick of me kissing, touching, and generally me being completely in love with you!! i'm thinking that isn't so much to ask...i don't need anymore presents till 2070 when i'm begging him to give me 1 more day with you before i die.

34. hi i know its a weird question but can u dress me up like a girl? maybe do my makeup. it could be fun and kinky :) and im actually being serious!

35. some of my friends say i have a small penis but i own 3 goats and 2 can we still makeout?

36. Hey...thanks for adding me :)......did u get a chance to check out my profile?.....what was ur reaction? u know anyone with a foot fetish?....i hope u're the type of person that's open to any conversation....cause i am and that would be nice if u were too.... hope u're not offended by foot fetish that's only feet u know....they look cute and i can't help but look :).... let's just say that i appreciate women's's the second physical feature i notice on a girl....i check out her looks then her toes...soyeh.... what do u think of men that like feet?...just wondering that's all...i'm not trying to hook up with u..i'm not on to do that....i'm here to meet hot ladies and to talk about whatever comes to mind....only for u have a fetish for a certain body part on a man?...u can tell me....anyway, i hope u write back when u get a chance....we can be friends....soyeh take care....have a good one

37. Hello Lace, I've been emailing you, and you just never answer. I have had dreams about you, good dreams, and you won't believe it but Jesus gave me an epiphany and he said you were the girl I was supposed to be with. So if you believe in Jesus, then you need to believe in me. Otherwise you will let him down and I don't know what he'd do to you then.

Yeah, I didn't make any of those up.
Ladies... these men are out there!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Why you should be excited about the FIFA World Cup Draw

The draw is nigh!

And maybe you are ignorant as to why this is a big deal, so let me explain it to you.

All 32 teams name’s are thrown into a hat – a very expensive hat no doubt – and then drawn to see who will be playing who. The 32 countries are about to find out the names of their rivals, the ones they need to do battle against for the ultimate prize.

This is from the FIFA website

“Indeed, every Draw throws up at least one fiercely competitive section, where several traditional powers have to fight for the right to progress. Then there are the dark horses to contend with, quality teams which strive to spring a surprise and relish the opportunity to upset the game's established heavyweights.”

This means if South Africa gets drawn with a bunch of really (really really) shit teams we might actually see a semi final, on the other hand if Germany, France, Brazil and Italy (all previous winners)are together in a group somebody is gonna get fucked the hell up!

So I hear ya’ll say you don’t follow soccer and this is all really meaningless to you,

So lemme throw some numbers at you:

2000 is the number of guests coming to this little soiree.
600 is the number of accredited broadcasters and journalists bringing it live from CT to the world.
750 000 MILLION is the number of people who will be watching it, cpt, you!

The world looks onto South Africa and only sees the bad. “Oh look at the evil racist.” “oh look at its poor aids ridden citizens.” “oh look at the imbeciles running it.” “Oh look at how poor they are” And here finally we have a chance to show them something else. To show them what we’re really about. To show them that even though we have many issues we’re still up for a fucking party! To show them what that South African hospitality is all about!

All the years and months of preparation are finally coming to an end, and this, the Final Draw is where the action really begins! This is what it’s all about! This is what sets the tone for the entire World Cup.

They will be watching us pull this thing off, setting the tone of what The Cup will be like. What they can expect. What we can expect.

This is about more that just a game, this is about bringing folks together the way only sport can. Remember The World Cup Rugby in 1995? Remember how awesome that was? Remember how great you felt?

Well here is your chance to feel that way again, only now it’s awesome on global scale. So instead of bitching of how miserable your life is, how poor you are, how fucked the government is, how much you hate politics why don’t you take a time out and be a part of something that is bigger than you. Go stand in the middle of Long Street and scream out our anthem at the top of your lungs. Grab someone who looks foreign and say “hey mate! Where the fuck you from? That’s awesome, lemme buy you a beer, we have great fucking beer here!”

The only ones allowed to NOT be excited about the draw are the fucking Irish!