Friday, July 24, 2009

Meat is King

The meat is good! The meat is king! There is no boundaries to the fucking awesomeness of the meat! Hail the meat!


The really clever few of you may have guessed that I'm no vegetarian. I love the meat. And the fish. And the poultry. And every possible food made of living creatures. I know, that also involves plants and similar life-forms. But I prefer the more evolved ones. I mean, why should I waste my fucking time be eating all those lame ass proteins of lower life-forms, if I can have already complete, developed, high valuable proteins?

Vegetarians, what the fuck is this shit all about?

Go into yourself, dear vegetarians. Find the cause for your condition. It is self-importance, stupidity, naivety, and the temptation of group masturbation with other veggies about how much you love nature and animals and flowers and plants and those cute little puppies.


Many people consider that animals are treated poorly, executed “inhumanely”, and a slew of other completely unfounded bullshit justifications. To those people who think this, let me ask you, where did you originally obtain this perception to begin with? Could it perhaps be… the media? Have you physically dragged your ass to the source and seen for yourself how these animals are treated? My guess is no, you haven’t. Yet again you are the victim of gullibility and are tripping over yourselves to jump on a new fad because the media have “sold” it to you. Fucking suckers. I thank the Lord every day I’m not as fucking stupid as you people.

The entire “humane” argument is typical bullshit from hypocritical motherfuckers who want to come off as “better” human beings. How far do you pricks want to take this, really? You’re fine with the animal being slaughtered (murdered) for your own personal consumption, but only if it’s been treated well? Do I even need to point out the utter hypocrisy in that statement? I’m really sorry that the cows for our burgers can’t live in 5 star accommodation, receive weekly manicures, colonic irrigation and perhaps even massages, but here’s a newsflash for you…. their sole purpose for living is to fill our stomachs. They aren’t our friends, and they serve no other purpose than to feed us. Do you honestly think it makes a difference if a cow is standing in an open field or in a tightly packed pen? Do you think an animal that is so fucking stupid that it lacks the evolutionary process to not shit down its own back legs honestly gives a crap about where it spends its short-lived days, as long as it’s fed?Do you honestly think that the prehistoric hunter-gatherers had this kind of “spare time morality” before they speared the shit out of their dinner? You bet your ass they didn’t.


The only reason fuckers like you even give a shit is because you’re the type of people who simply have to bitch and whine about something. We’ve reached a level of human sophistication where we don’t have to get our hands dirty in order to put food on the table, and you want to serve as a constant reminder to the rest of us that we’re killing animals in order to do so. Why don’t you take up a far worthier cause, like erectile dysfunction?

Ironically these are often the same motherfuckers who are completely anti-GM (genetically modified) foods, but as soon as you tell them that genetic modifications can often allow us to produce more food in less developed areas, thus feeding more starving people, they consider it acceptable. You green people are even saying that methane admissions from cows are threatening our environment. Are you dry shaving me? It’s a cow. It’s an animal. Make up your freaking minds people. What the fuck are you going to do about that. Put an ass balloon on him? I don't get on your case for eating a ton of veggies and having methane leaks that would make a bovines eyes THAT'S not healthy!



The point is vegetarians are hypocritical eco-Nazis.

There are a multitude of different religious concerns for becoming a vegetarian. In fact, there are so many, it further serves to reinforce how different religions contradict one another and fall so far out of line with their original purpose (a “God”) that they can rarely be trusted.

The only thing I’m going to say about it is to really mirror what Chris Rock has already said on the subject. On the day of my judgement, as I stand before God, do you HONESTLY think he/she/it is gonna give a fuck if I’ve eaten meat? I haven’t killed anybody, I haven’t raped anybody, I haven’t stolen from anybody, but I ate meat. Is that very thing going to deny my entry into the eternal kingdom? I doubt it. If eating meat is a sin, then there’s gonna be an awful lot of obese McDonalds loving motherfuckers in Hell.

How would you explain the people who started out as meat-eaters, but turned to vegetarianism later in life? Oh wait, “God is forgiving” right? So he/she/it can’t forgive my ass for doing it at an entire life-time? Fucking hypocrisy yet again. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for people who choose religion as a basis for hope and perhaps even self-improvement, but to change your DIET over it? That’s completely nonsensical. Love thy neighbor, “be excellent to each other”, these are all good moral choices one can make in order to lead a “better” life. “Don’t eat meat” – how the fuck does that help me and my neighbor? That sounds more to me like a fucking diet fad that a chick would read in Cosmopolitan.

And oh yeah.. Jesus ate meat. Jesus even promotes it. He is telling you to drink blood and eat meat!

I am given the gift of life and am able to experience and participate in an unfathomable number of things. I am given the gift of free will, and am able to decide for myself the things I enjoy and dislike, but yet if I eat meat then I must suffer eternal damnation? Yeah, and the boogeyman will get me too right? It’d be worth it for a steak.


Aren't men and animals all equal?Well, first of all: no. Men and animals are not equal. Animals are animals. That's why we call them animals. Men can sometime be animals. But that's only a rhetorical phrase. The first and most important difference is that animals are stupid. Men aren't that stupid.Usually.
I know, there are those clever dolphins (this would be the perfect place to refer to a beloved South Park wisdom: If dolphins are so clever, why do they always ensnare themselves in drift nets?), but dolphins aren't clever. Sure, they can do some nice tricks, and they're cleverer than most animals. But their intellectual capacity is confined to hunting fish and getting laid – not that much more with the humans, but that little bit makes the difference.
We eat animals because every fucking species on this planet eats what he can fucking get, as long as it is healthy and tasty. And you should make no difference between a pig and a cucumber. Their DNA isn't that much different. Vegetarians should get comfortable with the fact that every living creature needs other dead creatures. Even your lovely salad grew on dead and rotten little daisies.


You don't get no health bonus from being vegetarian! So stop it! All of you! It is not a better nutritional diet. Weight for weight, almost any meat is more densely packed with nutrients than almost any plant. There are a few nutrients which are impossible to get without eating meat, and a significant number which are very difficult to get without eating meat. Vegetarians are healthier because the average vegetarian is lighter than the average meat eater. WTF? Thin is not fucking good. Fat is not good. Just right is just right. You don't want to put chemicals in your body?All plants are poisonous. No really. They are poisonous in that they contain toxins. However, people can eat plants and apparently suffer no ill effects. The reason for this is that highly evolved animals such as humans have evolved an ability to tolerate those toxins.

You don't get interesting by being a veggie. You only make your mom's life miserable. So stop it. Eat meat. If you want to, take some potatoes as a side dish.


What you eat does not define you as a person (unless you’re a vegetarian, in which case you’re a fucking asshole)

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Q&A SA Tourism

These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner (great sense of humour!).

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa ? I have never seen it rain
on TV, so how do the plants grow? ( UK )
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? ( USA )
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad
tracks? ( Sweden )
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa ? ( Sweden )
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes...

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa ? Can you send
me a list of them in JHB, Cape Town , Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? ( UK )
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in
South Africa? ( USA )
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not...oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which di rection is north in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa ? ( UK )
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa ? ( France )
A: No, WE don 't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in South Africa ? ( USA )
A: Anywhere where a significant number of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female
population is smaller than the male population? ( Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa ? ( France )
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa ? ( Germany )
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all
year round?
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can di spense
rattlesnake serum. ( USA )
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while
I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will probably still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Worst of the Best Action Stars

So... action movies are (almost always) massively awesome. Seriously, what's not to like?They have it all – car chases, fights, gun fights, huge mother-effing explosions, naked chicks! The bad guys always die! No no, not just die the get fucked the hell up, beat up, shot up, blown up,plummeted from buildings or impaled. Sometimes all of the above.
Action movies are also charitable, yes, charitable. They have made household names out of actors who otherwise have the talent of that bit of scum that rises from your outside drain.
Here are some of them:

Arnold Schwarzenegger


Schwarzenegger began weight training at fifteen motherfuckers! He was Mr fucking Universe at 22 and won the Mr Olympia contest a total of seven times! Nicknamed the “Austrian Oak”, I believe this has to do with his physique and not his emoting capabilities, he then got a role in Hercules in New York,but, what Arnold really needed was a super hero / half naked warrior style role in a lavish hollywood production that utilized his chiseled physique. Enter a little film called Conan the barbarian, which shot this man to stardom. The governator starred in 30 films including Terminator and a few others that were against all odds surprisingly successful. While Conan the Republican did have a handful of impressive roles (we all can agree that Twins was clearly snubbed at the Oscars), more often than not, his performances were rather ...less than impressive. Perhaps there’s no better example of this than his interpretation of Mr. Freeze in Batman and Robin. Schwarzenegger, aside from looking like a cross between the Michelin Man and Robocop, appeared totally confused about what he was doing.


Dolph Lundgren


Lundgren stands around 6' 5"and weighs around 111 kg, holds a 3rd Degree Black Belt in Kyokushin karate and has also studied fencing, boxing, judo, goju-ryu, and taekwondo. So this dude can seriously fuck you up, just ask Sylvester Stallone: "During [the filming of] Rocky IV, Dolph had hit me so hard I had swelling around the heart and had to stay in intensive care at St. John’s Hospital for four days."He's also a chemical engineer and Swedish, like the army knife?And dated Grace Jones, drag queens/model/actress.


Everyone knows that Rocky IV was friggen awesome, and to this day I still think of Dolph as a Soviet boxer called Ivan. But, unfortunately for everyone, this guy is still continuing to put out Universal Soldier movies. Believe it. Now at Universal Soldier 14, if you have seen one, you have seen them all - quite possibly the worst action film franchise of all time. This guy has a gift for looking insanely hot...and Russian, but is completely void of any acting ability.


Jean Claude Van Damme


He began martial arts at the age of ten, enrolled by his father in a shotokan karate school. His styles consist of , shotokan karate, muay thai, and taekwondo.He also started lifting weights to improve his physique, which eventually led to a Mr. Belgium bodybuilding title. At the age of 16 he took up ballet for five years. Chuck Norris once got this dude a job as a bouncer at a club. Thankssofuckingmuch Chuck!Then one day, while walking on the streets, Jean-Claude spotted a producer for Cannon Pictures, and showed off some of his martial arts highlighted by his ability to deliver a kick to an opponent's head during a leaping 360-degree turn, led to a role in Bloodsport . But the movie, filmed in Hong Kong, was so fucking bad when it was completed, it was shelved for almost two years. It might have never been released if Van Damme did not beg producers to release it. And thus began his illustrious career of kicking shit in pants that are too fucking tight. Oh, and did I mention he's bipolar?
Um, on heavy meds he has this to say :"You just have to take a little salt, and since I'm doing that it's, like, BOOM! In one week, I felt it kick in. All the commotion around me, all the water around me, moving left and right around me, became like a lake." yes, we can see that its working.

Chuck Norris


Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris was born in Ryan, Oklahoma, the son of Wilma and Ray Norris, who was a mechanic, bus driver, and truck driver.Yes alright alright settle down now. Chuck was named after Carlos Berry, his father's minister (swear i'm not making this shit up). He was nonathletic, shy, and scholastically mediocre. Other children taunted him and Norris daydreamed about beating up his tormentors. Norris mentioned in his autobiography that his father had a very serious problem with drinking and "wasn't there" a lot for him growing up. Ever wondered why you're scared of him? Now you know. When most others suggest therapy, Hollywood decided to make a star out of him. Norris created the martial art Chun Kuk Do.... I'll give you a minute......

Done? Good.This is his code of ethics:


Dude's appeared in around 37 films all of them utter crap i don't care to mention. Instead I'll do this:

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his
left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

(he picked these himself.. no, really)

Steven Segal


A 6' 4", 7th-dan black belt in aikido, Seagal began his adult life as an aikido instructor in Japan. In 1988, Seagal began work on his first film, Nico Following its success, he achieved wider, mainstream success in 1992 with the release of Under Siege .Anyway, this guy is known more for his quick fighting hands, raspy voice and straight faced one liner gems such as:[after crushing some guys skull] “Take some aspirin for that headache!”, than he is for his acting range.


Seagal then directed On Deadly Ground (1994). This film, in which he also starred, emphasized environmental and spiritual themes, signaling a break with his previous persona as a genre-ready inner-city cop.This movie was an important turning point in Seagal's career, from up-and-coming action star to unusual and esoteric figure gayer than a meadow in spring time.

The film was a general financial and critical FAIL but this dude intends to have his films remembered; "I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol." Wait, what? Sex symbol?!Great writer?! Great actor?! Right. In addition to acting and aikido, Seagal also plays the guitar, and his songs have been featured in several of his movies.

Is currently a deputy sheriff of his home community of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana.Yes. Yes, he is. Seagal Enterprises markets an energy drink known as Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt. Yes. Yes, he has.Seagal personally endorses this drink, "I have traveled the world creating this drink; there is none better that I know."

He also has his own aftershave called Scent of Action. Yes. Yes, he has. Seagal has his own imprint of Kershaw Knives. Yes. Yes, he has.The "Steven Seagal Edition" knives feature 4" blades with his signature etched in, and no auto-assisted opening mechanism.


There you have it folks, proof that you don't need talent to be famous!

Friday, July 10, 2009

Grocery shopping is a fact of life, we all have to have food to put in our refrigerators. Even if you are an anorexic model and the only thing in there is low fat salad dressing and an accumulation of ice crystals, you still need to enter a grocery store to purchase said dressing. But! I turn absolutely bat-shit crazy as soon as i enter one. Why? Because of the fucking aggravating things people do, those glaring examples of life's little annoyances. Things that make me want to stand in a corner with a tray of eggs and hurl them at people. Here are some of them:


The confused sheep

This person either has a list and didn't put it in any logical order, or is just wandering randomly around the store. They will generally make several false starts, stop suddenly with a glazed expression to take account of where they are in the store, they will wait until you decide to pass them then turn abruptly and glare at you if you bump them with your cart.

The cheapskate-nutritionist

For this person shopping is an event, they are professionals!She has a special shopping outfit with loads of pockets in comfortable stretchy fabric and rubber soled shoes in case of “warning:floor slippery when wet”.This person will read the nutrition labels and/or ingredient list on each item she picks up before she puts it in her cart. Apparently this show of healthiness is important whether the item in question is a can of peas or a liter of ice cream. This is the person who spends 15 minutes deciding which can of tuna is going to save them 0.05.

The aisle blocker

Have you ever been cruising down a grocery store aisle eager to find the jar of peanut butter you made a special trip for? You reach the peanut butter aisle and are forced to an abrupt stop by a grocery cart blocking the section you need to access. For some reason the driver of the grocery cart seems completely oblivious to your situation and continues reading labels. Your stress level rises as you contort your tired body into a variety of challenging positions to reach around that cart and get your jar of peanut butter.

The bad parents

These ones think they are somehow exalted and hallowed for pushing an infant into this world. The folks who think the store is their child's own personal fun park – and therefore someone else's problem for as long as their shopping takes them. These kids are running, pulling things off shelves, wandering off, making messes, screaming, picking things up, playing chicken with carts and generally being a hazard. God forbid you mistakenly hit a frantic child with your cart, you should have known better. They are the ones who make you sympathize with child killers.

The maverick

This person is determined to set a world record in speed-shopping. That generally means they weave dangerously with below average skill, take blind intersections without even slowing down, and huff and puff impatiently when stuck behind a road block. Generally this is the kind of person who also drives like a maniac. Usually a woman in her 20s or 30s, she would push you out of the way to get the last liter of milk on the shelf.

The illiterate fool

You are about to walk into the express lane (which clearly states 10 items or less), when in front of you pulls a shopper with a cart overflowing with groceries. This isn't the "I-am-not-sure-if-I-have-10-or-11-items" cart, it's the "I-am-feeding-a-family-of-seven-and-we-eat-a-lot" cart. When the cashier points out that this is the express lane and they should move its met with an “Oh, i didnt see the sign” and proceeds to stare at the cashier with a smile presidential candidates would be proud of until the poor cashier gives up and rings up the mountain of item, and you can just see the steam rising from the ears of the person behind them.

Yes, the grocery store shopping experience can be a challenge.

Which Superhero would be best in bed?



Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! It's a bird, it's a plane, no it's Superplay! Yes? Yes? No. Perennially clean cut and, lets face it, just plain cut, the pin-up boy for good old fashioned farmyard values may fool the unsuspecting gal into thinking that just because the Man of Steel could get up and stay up aaall night he should be No.1 on the list. The brand new positions and places now available to you by bedding a man with the gift of flight now put aside, can you imagine what would happen should total and unbridled passion overcome someone who leaves accidental fingerprints in concrete and steel? And what about Superman's super sperm – his fellas wouldn't imitate a tiny pink fountain so much as a deadly spray of red-hot bullets. Ouchies

The Hulk


Pro: You're never going to meet a bigger muscle man. Con: Said muscles only emerge in a blind state of rage. Pro: You'd have heaps of hot, post-fight sex. Con: By this stage he's back to being a personality-free-zone scientist. Con: He's massively ugly. Con: He's completely green... completely. Con: He is the hulk.



Okey dokey, the deal with The Bat is he doesn't actually possess any superhuman abilities; his parents were killed in front of him (and obvious mommy and daddy issues aside), he vowed to spend his life avenging crime. Dressed like a giant bat. He's obsessed with his own dark side, making crazy gadgets in a big creepy cave and sporting latex most nights. Oh, and he has a “partner”, Robin, who also likes donning a colorful cape and tights, despite being a normal human being like the rest of us. And he's also pretty damn close to a distinguished old gentleman named Alfred. So if you're into moody bad boys who are kinda gay, don't delay. Bed The Bat today!



If you can get past the fact that it looks like he ejaculates from his hands, we're liking the way the boy in red is shaping up. 1. Again,no position is off limit. 2.No place is too far out. Ever wanted to make sweet superhero love above Paris, tangled recklessly on the Eiffel Tower?C'mon, who hasn't? 3. His alter ego is one of those adorable nerdy types. Okay Spidey, we're sold! Trap us in your web... and leave the mask on.



The passion! The raw animal lust! The scratch marks! Wolverine is a definite winner if you dig doing it doggie-style and like your X-rated adventures to skip the slow burn and go straight to boil. He's dark and broody, but very, very funny once the one-liners start coming out. The other, um, upside is of course his remarkable regenerative powers, so this is one guy who won't stay down for long.