Friday, July 10, 2009

Grocery shopping is a fact of life, we all have to have food to put in our refrigerators. Even if you are an anorexic model and the only thing in there is low fat salad dressing and an accumulation of ice crystals, you still need to enter a grocery store to purchase said dressing. But! I turn absolutely bat-shit crazy as soon as i enter one. Why? Because of the fucking aggravating things people do, those glaring examples of life's little annoyances. Things that make me want to stand in a corner with a tray of eggs and hurl them at people. Here are some of them:


The confused sheep

This person either has a list and didn't put it in any logical order, or is just wandering randomly around the store. They will generally make several false starts, stop suddenly with a glazed expression to take account of where they are in the store, they will wait until you decide to pass them then turn abruptly and glare at you if you bump them with your cart.

The cheapskate-nutritionist

For this person shopping is an event, they are professionals!She has a special shopping outfit with loads of pockets in comfortable stretchy fabric and rubber soled shoes in case of “warning:floor slippery when wet”.This person will read the nutrition labels and/or ingredient list on each item she picks up before she puts it in her cart. Apparently this show of healthiness is important whether the item in question is a can of peas or a liter of ice cream. This is the person who spends 15 minutes deciding which can of tuna is going to save them 0.05.

The aisle blocker

Have you ever been cruising down a grocery store aisle eager to find the jar of peanut butter you made a special trip for? You reach the peanut butter aisle and are forced to an abrupt stop by a grocery cart blocking the section you need to access. For some reason the driver of the grocery cart seems completely oblivious to your situation and continues reading labels. Your stress level rises as you contort your tired body into a variety of challenging positions to reach around that cart and get your jar of peanut butter.

The bad parents

These ones think they are somehow exalted and hallowed for pushing an infant into this world. The folks who think the store is their child's own personal fun park – and therefore someone else's problem for as long as their shopping takes them. These kids are running, pulling things off shelves, wandering off, making messes, screaming, picking things up, playing chicken with carts and generally being a hazard. God forbid you mistakenly hit a frantic child with your cart, you should have known better. They are the ones who make you sympathize with child killers.

The maverick

This person is determined to set a world record in speed-shopping. That generally means they weave dangerously with below average skill, take blind intersections without even slowing down, and huff and puff impatiently when stuck behind a road block. Generally this is the kind of person who also drives like a maniac. Usually a woman in her 20s or 30s, she would push you out of the way to get the last liter of milk on the shelf.

The illiterate fool

You are about to walk into the express lane (which clearly states 10 items or less), when in front of you pulls a shopper with a cart overflowing with groceries. This isn't the "I-am-not-sure-if-I-have-10-or-11-items" cart, it's the "I-am-feeding-a-family-of-seven-and-we-eat-a-lot" cart. When the cashier points out that this is the express lane and they should move its met with an “Oh, i didnt see the sign” and proceeds to stare at the cashier with a smile presidential candidates would be proud of until the poor cashier gives up and rings up the mountain of item, and you can just see the steam rising from the ears of the person behind them.

Yes, the grocery store shopping experience can be a challenge.


  1. Loving this list. I think I am a maverick shopper. Sorry in advance. If you see me in Garden PnP, just tune me to slow down!


  2. Congratulations on the new blog! Great start so far! I look forward to reading more.

    I had a very annoying shopping experience the other day... basically a 2 person aisle blocker. One was facing me and the other away from me. The one lady even looked right at me, but made absolutely no effort to move out of the way. They must have been talking about saving the world... perhaps one calorie at a time.

    Anyway, I had to walk back down the aisle and walk down the next. Very irritating. Perhaps a Facebook group called "I Want To Punch Aisle Blockers In The Face" is appropriate.

  3. Hi, nice start to the blog, keep it up. With regard to the topic at hand, this is why men don' t go shopping... When I do go and I am confronted with any of the abovementioned situations ..... there's nothing wrong with an "ankle tap" with a trolley, I find it tends to reinforce the dirty look which accompanies the " ankle tap", give it a try, I promise you'll feel alot better when leaving the shopping centre.