Saturday, July 11, 2009

Worst of the Best Action Stars

So... action movies are (almost always) massively awesome. Seriously, what's not to like?They have it all – car chases, fights, gun fights, huge mother-effing explosions, naked chicks! The bad guys always die! No no, not just die the get fucked the hell up, beat up, shot up, blown up,plummeted from buildings or impaled. Sometimes all of the above.
Action movies are also charitable, yes, charitable. They have made household names out of actors who otherwise have the talent of that bit of scum that rises from your outside drain.
Here are some of them:

Arnold Schwarzenegger


Schwarzenegger began weight training at fifteen motherfuckers! He was Mr fucking Universe at 22 and won the Mr Olympia contest a total of seven times! Nicknamed the “Austrian Oak”, I believe this has to do with his physique and not his emoting capabilities, he then got a role in Hercules in New York,but, what Arnold really needed was a super hero / half naked warrior style role in a lavish hollywood production that utilized his chiseled physique. Enter a little film called Conan the barbarian, which shot this man to stardom. The governator starred in 30 films including Terminator and a few others that were against all odds surprisingly successful. While Conan the Republican did have a handful of impressive roles (we all can agree that Twins was clearly snubbed at the Oscars), more often than not, his performances were rather ...less than impressive. Perhaps there’s no better example of this than his interpretation of Mr. Freeze in Batman and Robin. Schwarzenegger, aside from looking like a cross between the Michelin Man and Robocop, appeared totally confused about what he was doing.


Dolph Lundgren


Lundgren stands around 6' 5"and weighs around 111 kg, holds a 3rd Degree Black Belt in Kyokushin karate and has also studied fencing, boxing, judo, goju-ryu, and taekwondo. So this dude can seriously fuck you up, just ask Sylvester Stallone: "During [the filming of] Rocky IV, Dolph had hit me so hard I had swelling around the heart and had to stay in intensive care at St. John’s Hospital for four days."He's also a chemical engineer and Swedish, like the army knife?And dated Grace Jones, drag queens/model/actress.


Everyone knows that Rocky IV was friggen awesome, and to this day I still think of Dolph as a Soviet boxer called Ivan. But, unfortunately for everyone, this guy is still continuing to put out Universal Soldier movies. Believe it. Now at Universal Soldier 14, if you have seen one, you have seen them all - quite possibly the worst action film franchise of all time. This guy has a gift for looking insanely hot...and Russian, but is completely void of any acting ability.


Jean Claude Van Damme


He began martial arts at the age of ten, enrolled by his father in a shotokan karate school. His styles consist of , shotokan karate, muay thai, and taekwondo.He also started lifting weights to improve his physique, which eventually led to a Mr. Belgium bodybuilding title. At the age of 16 he took up ballet for five years. Chuck Norris once got this dude a job as a bouncer at a club. Thankssofuckingmuch Chuck!Then one day, while walking on the streets, Jean-Claude spotted a producer for Cannon Pictures, and showed off some of his martial arts highlighted by his ability to deliver a kick to an opponent's head during a leaping 360-degree turn, led to a role in Bloodsport . But the movie, filmed in Hong Kong, was so fucking bad when it was completed, it was shelved for almost two years. It might have never been released if Van Damme did not beg producers to release it. And thus began his illustrious career of kicking shit in pants that are too fucking tight. Oh, and did I mention he's bipolar?
Um, on heavy meds he has this to say :"You just have to take a little salt, and since I'm doing that it's, like, BOOM! In one week, I felt it kick in. All the commotion around me, all the water around me, moving left and right around me, became like a lake." yes, we can see that its working.

Chuck Norris


Carlos Ray "Chuck" Norris was born in Ryan, Oklahoma, the son of Wilma and Ray Norris, who was a mechanic, bus driver, and truck driver.Yes alright alright settle down now. Chuck was named after Carlos Berry, his father's minister (swear i'm not making this shit up). He was nonathletic, shy, and scholastically mediocre. Other children taunted him and Norris daydreamed about beating up his tormentors. Norris mentioned in his autobiography that his father had a very serious problem with drinking and "wasn't there" a lot for him growing up. Ever wondered why you're scared of him? Now you know. When most others suggest therapy, Hollywood decided to make a star out of him. Norris created the martial art Chun Kuk Do.... I'll give you a minute......

Done? Good.This is his code of ethics:


Dude's appeared in around 37 films all of them utter crap i don't care to mention. Instead I'll do this:

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his
left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost

Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

(he picked these himself.. no, really)

Steven Segal


A 6' 4", 7th-dan black belt in aikido, Seagal began his adult life as an aikido instructor in Japan. In 1988, Seagal began work on his first film, Nico Following its success, he achieved wider, mainstream success in 1992 with the release of Under Siege .Anyway, this guy is known more for his quick fighting hands, raspy voice and straight faced one liner gems such as:[after crushing some guys skull] “Take some aspirin for that headache!”, than he is for his acting range.


Seagal then directed On Deadly Ground (1994). This film, in which he also starred, emphasized environmental and spiritual themes, signaling a break with his previous persona as a genre-ready inner-city cop.This movie was an important turning point in Seagal's career, from up-and-coming action star to unusual and esoteric figure gayer than a meadow in spring time.

The film was a general financial and critical FAIL but this dude intends to have his films remembered; "I am hoping that I can be known as a great writer and actor some day, rather than a sex symbol." Wait, what? Sex symbol?!Great writer?! Great actor?! Right. In addition to acting and aikido, Seagal also plays the guitar, and his songs have been featured in several of his movies.

Is currently a deputy sheriff of his home community of Jefferson Parish, Louisiana.Yes. Yes, he is. Seagal Enterprises markets an energy drink known as Steven Seagal's Lightning Bolt. Yes. Yes, he has.Seagal personally endorses this drink, "I have traveled the world creating this drink; there is none better that I know."

He also has his own aftershave called Scent of Action. Yes. Yes, he has. Seagal has his own imprint of Kershaw Knives. Yes. Yes, he has.The "Steven Seagal Edition" knives feature 4" blades with his signature etched in, and no auto-assisted opening mechanism.


There you have it folks, proof that you don't need talent to be famous!


  1. I also vote that Statham be added to this list. His repertoire is slowly (but surely) adding to the pond scum detritus bit of awesome that is the action movie genre.

  2. After last nights Steven Seagal movie I was reminded just how crap he is but still good value.

  3. Nooooooo, you just mocked all of my childhood heroes. Too bad that what you write is true. Watch their movies now and then you realise how much they suck. Well, I will always enjoy Under Siege 2 though. Can't help it.

    "Assumption is the mother of all fuck up's!"

    Well, so is making Arnold governor of California. They are financially fucked. Probably used the taxes of the fourth largest world economy to fuel his Hummer H1s. And his ego.

  4. Sorry, California is the 7th biggest economy in the world, excluding the EU and USA.

    Should have checked that before I posted.