Wednesday, August 19, 2009

real vampires suck

For Sam (aka my awesome)

There are people out there who believe themselves to be real vampires. Vampires in that they drink the blood of other people out there. Don’t worry; they only drink blood from the willing, of course because taking it from someone weaker than your bad vampire self is just not done. These people hang around Internet chat rooms and forums “mysteriously appearing on their coffins” or “ sullenly staring out form under their hoods”. They are basically awkward teenagers who instead of going out to find a life stayed in their rooms and built a ridiculous vocabulary so that they could “battle” other vampire houses by calling them stupid in really elaborate ways.


No, this is not fantasy role-playing; these people are even more pathetic than that.

So I went and did some research – cause I'm not one for quick judgments you know cough. Only its really fucking hard getting an answer, which i totally understand cause if i was this fucking retarded I'd wanna keep it a secret too. Yes a few kids who were bullied at school and never played outside like to hang out in the dark and drink blood, but they are no more a "real vampire" than someone who eats seeds and crouches over eggs all day is a "real chicken"

Apparently, you don’t know you’re a vampire until you’re older, so who knows who could end up being one?

If you aren’t sure whether you’re a vampire, there are a few ‘symptoms’ to notice: an insatiable thirst (for blood, of course), chronic headache, muscle pains and spasms, insomnia, emotional distress, paranoia and general mental instability. Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention the tendency to explode when your skin touches sunlight.

You know, some of those above symptoms sound like a pretty fucking serious condition, and they might be mistaking lead poisoning for “bad ass”.

Upon further investigation I stumbled upon this conversation:

Lonely emo #1: “You cannot and will not be turned by drinking another vampire’s blood. The only way to be turned is to drink the blood of a master vampire. And the chances of that happening are slim to none, as there are only around 20 masters in the world.”

Lonely emo #2: “As it so happens, my husband is a master vampire.”


The real deal with “real” vampires are that there is some intelligent sounding drug found in blood that's also found in turkey – which is why it makes you feel all warm and sleepy. So basically the weird ass kid at the back of the class with the oily hair turned into a drug addict with dementia. Real vampires fall in love with teenage girls instead of eating them cause thats sooo pre-twilight, real vampires wank to the airbrushed pictures of girls covered in blood stuck on their walls

They should sue themselves for being so fucking stupid, I mean jesus they believe in a thing called the cathedral of flesh! The Cathedral of Flesh is a gigantic living being formed into a cathedral. Tzimisce legend and aesthetics hold it the most beautiful creation ever. It is said that the high priest was part of the cathedral and that he spoke with its walls instead of showing himself in person. The cathedral has moved several times since it was created and is now located under New York City .

Anyone who claims to be a vampire is obviously someone who didn't get enough attention as a child or throughout school, and compensates for it by making shit up.

Vampires aren't real and anyone that thinks they are should meet my posse:


There used to be a real vampire, but he hooked up with the tooth fairy and now rainbows shoot out of his asshole and lollipops rain down from the fucking sky. Annie sang a song about it!


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