In a country were the best political joke gets elected, and parliament is just an excuse for those least capable to get together in one room, what do you have when a politician tells you he has the answer to your problem? Two problems. Then again, it is said that bureaucracy works on the septic tank principle: the biggest chunks will inevitably drift to the top!
Bheki Cele has been appointed South Africa's new police boss. He replaces embattled former police national commissioner Jackie Selebi, whose... contract expired.
Many of us have responded in our usual disapproval on the appointment.
Cele, KwaZulu-Natal minister for community safety and who is known for his no-nonsense approach to crime - wait ok.. whats the fucking problem here??
He called for a law change to make sure police can shoot at dangerous criminals instead of being "handcuffed" by the Criminal Procedure Act.
Cele told Members of Parliament he would ask Parliament to amend section 49 of the Act when it reconvenes in August, as well as section 26, to give police greater powers to stop domestic violence.
He said the post-apartheid version of section 49 forced police to think twice before shooting, even when faced with armed bank robbers who had no scruples about killing whoever stood in their way.
"They plan properly and part of their plan is to kill people in their way. They plan for six months and that is why they don't get empty banks," he told Parliament's portfolio committee on police.
This plain-talking commissioner said the high number of police fatalities had proved that when faced with hardened criminals they could not afford to hesitate and wonder whether by law they had the right to use their firearms.
"Either he acts correctly or we bury him."
It was up to lawmakers to "take collective responsibility" to ensure that the law was fair and did not afford criminals "greater rights" than their victims. Oh my god! Fire this person right now! He makes no motherfucking sense at all! Right?
He said section 26 of the act must also be changed to remove an onus on police to ask permission before entering premises where they believe domestic abuse was underway.
"Here we have a man busy tapping his wife ( i think what he meant was: fucking her up) and police have to say 'please can I come in?' It cannot be," he said. I agree: ”It cannot fucking be?”
“That person will cry until she is silent because she is dead” he said
Folks are knocking him as they are of the totally bullshit opinion that it would promote police brutality. I put it to them that they are retarded! You people need a fucking handler! Yes, cause we should be nice to criminals – cause like.. thats what you would do right? When you're having a few beers with your buddies talking about rape and murder you say: “Oh if they would let me alone in a room with that guy i'm totally gonna... be friendly and say please and thank you?”
These same people is also saying that it would scar public opinion of police, that we would be scared of them – ummmmm so when you're calling police cause someone mugged, stabbed, killed your dog or stole your bike you want a nice friendly faggot ass cop to show up instead of one with a seriously bad attitude who could kick some criminal ass. Of course you do.
And public opinion?Bitch please. If you are dissing cops what do you think criminals are doing? We should be fucking scared of them. We should be cowering in our god damn boots! We shouldn't even want to make eye contact with these mean ass fuckers! When they walk down the road crowds should open for them like the flipping seas for the jews! Indeed criminals in this country must know that the Honeymoon is now over – the question of safety in our homes, in our streets, in our everyday lives is not a privilege but a right for which we are prepared to defend even if it means making the supreme sacrifice. By this I mean... killing FUCKING CRIMINALS!
"You can't be soft and you can't be moving around kissing crime. You need to be tough because you're dealing with tough guys".He's such a colourful speaker too!
But who exactly is our new top cop, a man who has even been described as a township tsotsi? Well, with Cele renowned in media circles for speaking his mind, what better way to describe the former Robben Island inmate than to examine a selection of his more captivating quotes...
Whether reminding Archbishop Desmond Tutu that he is not a "vice Jesus Christ" (heh heh heh) or branding SA Roadlink busses "killing machines" and "coffins on wheels" (fair enough there, really), Cele seems to have a strong opinion on pretty much everything.
My type of guy!
"They are just troublesome and everything about them stinks. Their owners' attitudes stink, their buses stink and their compliance [with labour laws] stink." This time the former teacher takes aim at the notorious SA Roadlink.
"Deadly force... Dead means you will die, that's what it means. So I never used any extra word than what it is in the law." Cele explains the concept of death in response to a question about a possible 'shoot-to-kill' approach to his new position.
"I am just concerned that criminals are using xenophobia as an excuse to commit crimes... Why else would they steal the foreigners' belongings? If you want someone to leave, you just tell them and then watch them leave... Why does one have to chase them and steal their goods?" Cele on xenophobic attacks.
"The driver of that bus was not in any state to drive because he had been turned into a complete zombie as he had driven from Johannesburg to Cape Town and while in Cape Town, he was told to drive to Durban." Cele takes SA Roadlink to task after yet another fatal accident.
Former deputy safety minister Susan Shabangu caused an outcry in 2008 when she urged police to "kill the bastards".
I like her too!
I f you don't agree with me or my friend Bheki shut the fuck up about it, I don't care.
My two cents-worth of advice for him is that he should deal with his staff members. How I would love to see a police man looking fit and healthy inside his uniform. What I am saying is, get a fucking workout. Show me a fat thief any day and I will lay off of the physical condition of our police men and women. Being tough means: being so fucking ripped i could do my washing on your abs!
PS: I like his hat