Everything Can Fucking Kill You

It seems these days that every motherfucking thing can kill you! Eco-Nazi's will not a fuck be satisfied until we are all rotting from syph in our own ass-gravy in the middle of a cunting* jungle! You know, if I could I would punch them into paralyzes!

They are trying to rid you of basic human rights here!

Meat

Meat always has some sort of deathly fucking flu or insanity inducing motherfucking bacteria that will have you running naked down a meadow swearing your mother until you finally fucking collapse from motherfucking fever! Even braai meat gives you cancer now, those little delicious tidbits of black burned awesomeness that cling to the rinds of fat are bad for you!

But you fucking never hear about some weird ass fungus growing on celery that could infect your intestines and eat you alive from the fucking inside motherfucker!And this, according to me, is far more likely!

Sleeping on a bed

It seems the material beds are made from are full of harmful bleaches and chemicals that will surely send you straight to the fucking grave. Instead you should sleep on some untreated material such as grass that will make you itch like a crack whore in rehab and you can scratch about three layers of skin of your motherfucking self! Much better idea, what the fuck would we do without you?

Shoes

Apparently shoes now contain some sort of chemical made by the Umbrella Corporation that will make you sick. Some asshole addicted Swedish scientist said so. Fuck have you been stabbing yourself with the idiot stick? Now go throw out all of your shoes and go barefoot so you can pick up foot fungi, step in heroine needles or rusty old nails. Its fine though cause you can just go wash your feet... oh snap! Hang on....

Showers

In what may be the scariest shower news since Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho," a study says shower heads can harbor tiny bacteria that come spraying into your face when you wash. Thats just fucking gross though man. Aside from the millions of bacteria being sprayed onto you the water also has all sorts of chlorines and chemicals and little evil creatures of doom in it that are extremely bad for you! So rather go dirty, I suppose bacteria hates other bacteria and they will all just fuck off you then, is that it? Be smelly and vomit inducing but at least healthy!

Wearing a motherfucking bra

This works on the theory that bras close of blood circulation and cause clots that turn into cancer somehow. Or maybe you are just too fucking lazy to put one on, or maybe you should just buy one that fucking fits right bitch?! Simple. Cockend. Christ on a pogo stick that's some serious logic at work there!

I am sick to shit of all these scare tactics that will have you believe that some fucking how you will be able to live forever if you only wear organic clothes and live of lettuce, seeds and soy! You know, all eco weenies out there,you rotting stumps of tortured idiocy, you unutterable buffoons, there is a place where people eat no meat, don't shower, water isn't chemically treated, the women don't wear bras and the word bed is long forgotten. Sounds like veggie eutopia right?

Yeah what now motherfucker. UH!

So why not be fucking thankful for what you have and go stick your walls full of fucking inspirational messages and just fucking lie there in your prozac induced happiness and leave the living to the big people! Sweet baby Christmas, is it that it? Is it really that fucking easy? Yes motherfuckers it is!

*no spell check i do not fucking mean count bitch. I meant motherfucking cunting