Thursday, September 17, 2009

techno bullshit

Does this sentence make sense to you?

" is an enabler for B2B turnkey marketing, promotion, manufacturing and product fulfillment."

If you do congratulations you're an IT person. Awesome! If not you are probably wondering if I've left my brain out in the sun too long

More and more technology marketing language forces itself onto the public from the fertile minds of Internet marketing folks, befucking words such as "turnkey," "solution," "pure play" and "enterprise" are turning up everywhere.

Sister Maria in std 5 science taught me that a solution is a solid dissolved in a liquid. And everyone knows the Enterprise is a Constellation-class star ship in the Federation fleet.

But those definitions don't fit with sentences such as "eConvergent's quick implementation process defines a company's business goals and strategies and then implements a pre-configured solution to meet those goals." Somehow, I don't think a beaker of hot water and some sugar crystals are involved.

Solution is a word that has made me crazy for years. Everything these days seems to be a fucking "solution" - marketing solutions, business solutions, human-resource-assistance solutions.

Listen.. I'd love to fucking help you but why don't you ask me a question I can understand? I understand English. I don't understand buzz-infested fucking techno-speak!

I understand “on” and “off” and about “IM's “ and “IP's” and “URL's”. I can “undo” the shit out of a “master document” and I can “cut” and “paste” like a motherfucker but fuck it what is an “orphan/widow option”? -if I have an option, I choose neither! Most families don't talk about a “relative cell address”, I'm pretty god damned sure a “baseline shift” has to do with music and when you are “updating utilities” you are catching up on the electric bill! I do not know what you want me to do when you have an “error processing ISS files”

When I pick up your “specs sheet” in the hopes of learning something new and I am greeted with a rather sexy looking picture of the device and a maze of incomprehensible terms such as : “Nominal level:+4 dBm switchable to +10 dBV” I start thinking about what's for diner tonight...

So please god dammit speak to me in English!


  1. Orphan / Widow is used in a document to keep a paragraph on one page at the end of a document.

  2. " is an enabler for B2B turnkey marketing, promotion, manufacturing and product fulfillment." - They originally said " sells crap you never heard of or need by sales people you don't know and probably don't want to know"

  3. Actually, the Enterprise was a "Constitution"-class. The Kirk ones anyway.