Utterly Pathetic

In the past I've kept a little folder of dumb emails and messages guys have sent me. I've just stumbled across it and though I'd share.
Here they are: -

1. Aging batman, you are gorgeous! Words almost fail me..well, almost. Your body is like a visa platinum card because its everywhere I want to be..hmm nah..I saw you across the room, as I was making my way over to you. I fell and hit my head and for insurance reasons, I am going to need your phone number..lol so, how are you dooooiiiinnng?


2. I was trying to figure out a word to describe you..but couldnt think of a good one to say how all of your facial features compliment each other amazingly to make up one gorgeous face..eyes, lips, cheeks, nose..it just all works perfectly together on you..but I just dont have the word for all those in one.


3. can you do a back flip?


4. youre so hot its making me shake, making my knees weak, weak like cheese melting down on nachos!!


5. you got a lot of issues, a lot of dislikes, a lot of requirements, and a lot of guys that wanna be on you. i dont really care about any of that but ill tell you one thing...i dig your style.


6. Hey a guy on my rygby team wants to have sex with you...really bad...


7. I know you must get this all the time but I would love to help you out of those tighty whities so you can wash them in the machine then we could make sweet sweet monkey love on it and have little moose's together.


8. What are the chances that we can hang out?
(A) 99.99999999%
(B) 50%
(C) 25%
(D) Slim to none
(E) Although I appreciate your emails and persistence to a certain extent, I have no interest in hanging out with you.
(F) I don't want to see you or have anything to do with you in any way, shape, or form. Please stop writing me emails and cease the periodic communications. There's a reason why I didn't reply, I was hoping you'd get the hint.
(G) The only way I'd hang out with you is if you promised to take me on a shopping spree and buy me anything I wanted.


9. Alrighty Cold Lacey, one last shot for you. You really are as cold as they come. Jeez, you denied me as a friend like ten times, you are stubborn. We should be friends and heres why. You wear pink, I like to talk to girls that wear pink, j/k but seriously I am a handsome guy that lives in CT. So in conclusion, if you message me back, I will send you another friend request and you will accept it, if you dont write me back...I will jump off a bridge.


10. you give me a boner!


11. Hi how are you? I looked at your profile and would like to express my desire to own you. Would you be interested in becoming one of my slaves?


12. Sup Sexy? I am Elliot from CT. Im not looking for no bitchy females or stuck up cocky ladies. Be real wit me and I will do the same. Im looking for some personality, pretty looks, likes to enjoy going out, optional about driving, got your own damn money but will spend mines sometimes. Just a real lady. Get at me and drop a number if you are like this.One


13. wow, you are absolutely amazing...thanks for being born.


14. Can I stalk you?


15. you're so hot... i'd get you pregnant just for visitation rights.


16. uhhh... excuse me, i find you very attractive. can you send me nude pics through my e-mail?


17. I would sell my soul for you.


18. You make me want to run my gf over with the car.


19. Hey, would it be ok to use one of your pics for a tattoo...or would that be a copyright infringement thing? I just need to make sure I get it in a place where I can just sit around and stare at you all day.


20. You don't know me, but I think I'm in love with you. Anyway, I wrote a song for you. Hope you like it:It's so hard to explain, maybe I've gone insaneBecause I think I've fallen for a picture on a screenI only wonder why, and I simply can't denyThat your beauty surpasses anything I've ever seenNow I'm in too deep, you've got me tossing in my sleepWith images that seem so real, and yet seem so far awayThe gravity you force on me, it brings me to my kneesI can feel it every second, every hour, every dayWith positive ambition, I'm sending a transmissionThrough the air out into somewhere, and I await your replyThough I may not know you, I'm hoping I can show youThat I'm willing to learn who you are, if you just let me tryAnd that's why I write this silly love songIt may not be the best you'll ever hearBut in these chords, I reach my goal, to show you my heart and soulAre pouring out with each and every word.


21. Hey what's going on, I have a question and I know it's stupid but I was wondering if I added you as a friend, could I see your boobs?


22. Hi:-) I figured you must be tired of cheesy "I think you're hot" lines. So this is my way of respectfully saying hello:shall i call thee the fairest of flowerslike an untamed rose unaware of its powerswith a glow so bright it leaves ones mind to ponderof your sweetest of gazes in its incomparable wonder like a light from a distance calling all boats to shoreso ones heart beats faster as your beauty makes it soarjust like the delicate warmth of a lovers starewheres the joy of a summer day if one cant picture you there?


23. I wanna rub you down in mayonnaise and hot candle wax.


24. I'm in a situation where I'm being taken for granted and not be taken care of, like I should...With that being said, I'm looking for someone to call a best friend, someone I can talk to, chill with, and express myself to sexually. Sex is not just an act, but an expression of heat and passion, and I'm looking for someone to fill that for me...Of course, you would have to get to know me first...But how do you get the answer, to a question, that has not yet been asked?...Now, if I've offended you in any way, I certainly and highly apologize...a simple "no" would suffice. But, if you are interested, let me know.


25. I would give my right arm to make out with you.


26. ur beautiful...tell me what size ur finger is and i'll run to a jeweller...those are some amazing pictures...ur parents should win an award or something.


27. I know you've had some amazing sex....would you mind telling me about it? I know I'm a creep...but I figured I'd ask and see what kind of luck I got. Or just talk dirty to me. God I don't care. You're amazing.


28. Dear Aleecia, I don't know what to do. I worry all the time about you. Maybe you have a lot to do. I suppose you get about 200 messages a day, but I really hope you don't sort me out. Maybe you've got the wrong impression of me. Please give me a chance and tell me what I do wrong that you don't answer me? The last few days I was really sad because I've gotten no messages from you. I think about you a lot and I check my mailbox all the time. I really don't want to unnerve you, but I feel like I'm talking to a wall. I mean I can say what I want and I never know if you like it, if you smiled, or even laughed, or if you are just deleting my messages because of a reason I don't know. I really like you (even if I don't know you) and it really hurts me inside. It hurts me even more when I see the status of my message: "Read". I always say to myself: "Oh she's probably just reading it or writing me back at this moment". The first thing I do after I come home from work is to check my inbox, and afterwards I feel depressed and sad. I think about you the whole day (in the morning when I get up, in the evening when I get home) it's kind of like love even if i don't know you personally...but don't think I'm a needy person. I know you're probably working your ass off and I don't want to stress you in any way. I just keep writing you my thoughts and I hope I'm still on your good list. I really would like to have the honor to talk with you. There are so many things we could talk about. I'm sure you'll never get bored unless you're bored now. You said you have enough friends...is that the reason why you don't respond to me? I think you see me as a "random guy". But I've already forgiven you for ignoring me all time. I keep praying for you every day. I hope to meet you one day in heaven (and I'm sure you won't ignore me up there) but who knows maybe we'll meet one day on the street without knowing it.


29. Sweet Jesus on ice skates! Your photos drive me over the edge.


30. Hello, I am a submissive male from just outside of CT and I would be honored to be at your feet dressed as you wish, serving as your slave. Please email me back.


31. Can I drink your bathwater?


32. what's up? how u doing? MRS qualitative girl i hope u understand me what i 'm trying to say to u, i wanna let u know that u are so beautiful & i can even see the discern in my eyes just been looking at ur profile. an it tells me u are a good on earth; so" no men can not disarray a girl like u especialy. i realy like u but don't matter to me, i wanna get to know u. don't get dillydally to get to me at this point of time & don't turn around i have never seen a high quality girl like u in my hole life, u are so tremulous, prospect, propensity & probity in my eyes. i knew u are premeditate.


33. Can I be your slave...just spend my time doing whatever you wanted me to?


33. you are ridiculously beautiful...there, i said it!! we are perfect for one another...no seriously, we are!! if opposites attract, your beautiful, sexy, soft, sweet, sensual, unbelievably hot, perfect lips, deep hypnotizing eyes, amazing body, intelligent, dear God those lips!! and i'm..well..hhhmmm..weeelllll..me. here's my only christmas wish: i asked santa to stuff you in his bag (very gently) and lay you under my tree after he moves my house to a tropical isalnad with white sandy beaches and all your friends, so ya have somebody to hang out with when ya get sick of me kissing, touching, and generally me being completely in love with you!! i'm thinking that isn't so much to ask...i don't need anymore presents till 2070 when i'm begging him to give me 1 more day with you before i die.


34. hi i know its a weird question but can u dress me up like a girl? maybe do my makeup. it could be fun and kinky :) and im actually being serious!


35. some of my friends say i have a small penis but i own 3 goats and 2 antelopes...so can we still makeout?


36. Hey...thanks for adding me :)......did u get a chance to check out my profile?.....what was ur reaction?.....do u know anyone with a foot fetish?....i hope u're the type of person that's open to any conversation....cause i am and that would be nice if u were too.... hope u're not offended by it....my foot fetish that is....it's only feet u know....they look cute and i can't help but look :).... let's just say that i appreciate women's feet...it's the second physical feature i notice on a girl....i check out her looks then her toes...soyeh.... what do u think of men that like feet?...just wondering that's all...i'm not trying to hook up with u..i'm not on to do that....i'm here to meet hot ladies and to talk about whatever comes to mind....only for fun....do u have a fetish for a certain body part on a man?...u can tell me....anyway, i hope u write back when u get a chance....we can be friends....soyeh take care....have a good one


37. Hello Lace, I've been emailing you, and you just never answer. I have had dreams about you, good dreams, and you won't believe it but Jesus gave me an epiphany and he said you were the girl I was supposed to be with. So if you believe in Jesus, then you need to believe in me. Otherwise you will let him down and I don't know what he'd do to you then.

Yeah, I didn't make any of those up.
Ladies... these men are out there!

Why you should be excited about the FIFA World Cup Draw

The draw is nigh!

And maybe you are ignorant as to why this is a big deal, so let me explain it to you.

All 32 teams name’s are thrown into a hat – a very expensive hat no doubt – and then drawn to see who will be playing who. The 32 countries are about to find out the names of their rivals, the ones they need to do battle against for the ultimate prize.

This is from the FIFA website

“Indeed, every Draw throws up at least one fiercely competitive section, where several traditional powers have to fight for the right to progress. Then there are the dark horses to contend with, quality teams which strive to spring a surprise and relish the opportunity to upset the game's established heavyweights.”

This means if South Africa gets drawn with a bunch of really (really really) shit teams we might actually see a semi final, on the other hand if Germany, France, Brazil and Italy (all previous winners)are together in a group somebody is gonna get fucked the hell up!

So I hear ya’ll say you don’t follow soccer and this is all really meaningless to you,

So lemme throw some numbers at you:

2000 is the number of guests coming to this little soiree.
600 is the number of accredited broadcasters and journalists bringing it live from CT to the world.
750 000 MILLION is the number of people who will be watching it, cpt, you!

The world looks onto South Africa and only sees the bad. “Oh look at the evil racist.” “oh look at its poor aids ridden citizens.” “oh look at the imbeciles running it.” “Oh look at how poor they are” And here finally we have a chance to show them something else. To show them what we’re really about. To show them that even though we have many issues we’re still up for a fucking party! To show them what that South African hospitality is all about!

All the years and months of preparation are finally coming to an end, and this, the Final Draw is where the action really begins! This is what it’s all about! This is what sets the tone for the entire World Cup.

They will be watching us pull this thing off, setting the tone of what The Cup will be like. What they can expect. What we can expect.

This is about more that just a game, this is about bringing folks together the way only sport can. Remember The World Cup Rugby in 1995? Remember how awesome that was? Remember how great you felt?

Well here is your chance to feel that way again, only now it’s awesome on global scale. So instead of bitching of how miserable your life is, how poor you are, how fucked the government is, how much you hate politics why don’t you take a time out and be a part of something that is bigger than you. Go stand in the middle of Long Street and scream out our anthem at the top of your lungs. Grab someone who looks foreign and say “hey mate! Where the fuck you from? That’s awesome, lemme buy you a beer, we have great fucking beer here!”

The only ones allowed to NOT be excited about the draw are the fucking Irish!

Cash-in-transit (CIT) motherfuckers beware – A LETTER

Dear mouth-breathers of the CIT

I know you think you own the road. I know you think you are the most badass of the badass. I know you think you are the most important thing to hit the roads since Henry Ford. It’s an honest mistake. Especially for someone who has not passed the mental level of pissing themselves and idly poking their flaccid cocks but..

Hear me now!

You are a bunch of impotent loser cockmuppets, nothing but flaccid, diseased cocks. With suspicious cheesy crusts under the foreskin. And a dubious smell. That stings when I pee. and on the lists of things that are important on the roads you register somewhere between a road cone and road kill. Yet you park wherever the fuck you feel like even when it is impossible for you to do so and then stand around looking mean with your gun in hand. Tell me.. does the Mission Impossible theme play in your head when you do that?

Do you people grow up saying “I want to be a twat with a gun one day”?

What’s the matter? Couldn’t make it into the SAP? Not even the army would take you? ADT? Local Mall??? You don’t even need matric for that.

You’re stupid and even worse than that.. obnoxious about it!

I generally have very low expectations. After I’ve woken I realize my day is unlikely to get any worse and can face the world with a spring in my step. The point of this anecdote being that my low expectations extend to everything an everyone but fuck me with a barbed wire truncheon, your idiocy make my eye-baubles vacillate. It’s disconcerting and painful. Its genuinely painful. Imagine trying to pass a bladder stone the size and consistency of a pineapple. I feel like my vagina, legs and lower back have been set on fire, and then stamped out by an obese clog-dancing troupe, and then pissed on by a lion.

You make me want to shove that motherfucking gun so far up your asshole that you will be shitting bullets with your cornflakes for a week.

I beg of you to take your rightful place in the world and fuck out of my way!

Love Me

Everything Can Fucking Kill You

It seems these days that every motherfucking thing can kill you! Eco-Nazi's will not a fuck be satisfied until we are all rotting from syph in our own ass-gravy in the middle of a cunting* jungle! You know, if I could I would punch them into paralyzes!

They are trying to rid you of basic human rights here!

Meat

Meat always has some sort of deathly fucking flu or insanity inducing motherfucking bacteria that will have you running naked down a meadow swearing your mother until you finally fucking collapse from motherfucking fever! Even braai meat gives you cancer now, those little delicious tidbits of black burned awesomeness that cling to the rinds of fat are bad for you!

But you fucking never hear about some weird ass fungus growing on celery that could infect your intestines and eat you alive from the fucking inside motherfucker!And this, according to me, is far more likely!

Sleeping on a bed

It seems the material beds are made from are full of harmful bleaches and chemicals that will surely send you straight to the fucking grave. Instead you should sleep on some untreated material such as grass that will make you itch like a crack whore in rehab and you can scratch about three layers of skin of your motherfucking self! Much better idea, what the fuck would we do without you?

Shoes

Apparently shoes now contain some sort of chemical made by the Umbrella Corporation that will make you sick. Some asshole addicted Swedish scientist said so. Fuck have you been stabbing yourself with the idiot stick? Now go throw out all of your shoes and go barefoot so you can pick up foot fungi, step in heroine needles or rusty old nails. Its fine though cause you can just go wash your feet... oh snap! Hang on....

Showers

In what may be the scariest shower news since Alfred Hitchcock's "Psycho," a study says shower heads can harbor tiny bacteria that come spraying into your face when you wash. Thats just fucking gross though man. Aside from the millions of bacteria being sprayed onto you the water also has all sorts of chlorines and chemicals and little evil creatures of doom in it that are extremely bad for you! So rather go dirty, I suppose bacteria hates other bacteria and they will all just fuck off you then, is that it? Be smelly and vomit inducing but at least healthy!

Wearing a motherfucking bra

This works on the theory that bras close of blood circulation and cause clots that turn into cancer somehow. Or maybe you are just too fucking lazy to put one on, or maybe you should just buy one that fucking fits right bitch?! Simple. Cockend. Christ on a pogo stick that's some serious logic at work there!

I am sick to shit of all these scare tactics that will have you believe that some fucking how you will be able to live forever if you only wear organic clothes and live of lettuce, seeds and soy! You know, all eco weenies out there,you rotting stumps of tortured idiocy, you unutterable buffoons, there is a place where people eat no meat, don't shower, water isn't chemically treated, the women don't wear bras and the word bed is long forgotten. Sounds like veggie eutopia right?

Yeah what now motherfucker. UH!

So why not be fucking thankful for what you have and go stick your walls full of fucking inspirational messages and just fucking lie there in your prozac induced happiness and leave the living to the big people! Sweet baby Christmas, is it that it? Is it really that fucking easy? Yes motherfuckers it is!

*no spell check i do not fucking mean count bitch. I meant motherfucking cunting

techno bullshit

Does this sentence make sense to you?

"I-cert.com is an enabler for B2B turnkey marketing, promotion, manufacturing and product fulfillment."

If you do congratulations you're an IT person. Awesome! If not you are probably wondering if I've left my brain out in the sun too long

More and more technology marketing language forces itself onto the public from the fertile minds of Internet marketing folks, befucking words such as "turnkey," "solution," "pure play" and "enterprise" are turning up everywhere.

Sister Maria in std 5 science taught me that a solution is a solid dissolved in a liquid. And everyone knows the Enterprise is a Constellation-class star ship in the Federation fleet.

But those definitions don't fit with sentences such as "eConvergent's quick implementation process defines a company's business goals and strategies and then implements a pre-configured solution to meet those goals." Somehow, I don't think a beaker of hot water and some sugar crystals are involved.

Solution is a word that has made me crazy for years. Everything these days seems to be a fucking "solution" - marketing solutions, business solutions, human-resource-assistance solutions.

Listen.. I'd love to fucking help you but why don't you ask me a question I can understand? I understand English. I don't understand buzz-infested fucking techno-speak!

I understand “on” and “off” and about “IM's “ and “IP's” and “URL's”. I can “undo” the shit out of a “master document” and I can “cut” and “paste” like a motherfucker but fuck it what is an “orphan/widow option”? -if I have an option, I choose neither! Most families don't talk about a “relative cell address”, I'm pretty god damned sure a “baseline shift” has to do with music and when you are “updating utilities” you are catching up on the electric bill! I do not know what you want me to do when you have an “error processing ISS files”

When I pick up your “specs sheet” in the hopes of learning something new and I am greeted with a rather sexy looking picture of the device and a maze of incomprehensible terms such as : “Nominal level:+4 dBm switchable to +10 dBV” I start thinking about what's for diner tonight...

So please god dammit speak to me in English!

twighlight creepiness

So we got to talking about twilight the other day, general discussion about how much it sucks some real fucking ho-bag ass and how it could only possibly appeal to high school girls and emo’s and that’s when it struck me!

This shimmering vampire boy is a motherfucking stalker! He smells this girl, fantasizes about her and breaks into her house to watch her sleep! This is not romantic, this is not love. This is fucking creepy ass obsession. No wonder so many girls are being abducted, they are confusing creepy shit with love! And this series is aimed at young girls with the deadly accuracy of a poisoned arrow.
I went trolling on the net for fan sites to assess the damage being done, one is even called “lion and lamb love” and it is but one of 1,580,000 fan sites action packed with spontaneously orgasmic teenage girls literally obsessed with this series!

Shimmer Cock is gonna make Miss Bella pregnant, first of all I’m not sure how since he is the undead but anyway for their honeymoon they go to this really hot place and have sex in the ocean. Hear the sound of a million girls swoon. So anyway next morning Miss Bella wakes up all banged to shit cause apparently Shimmer Cock go waaay out of control and started beating Miss Bella around – totally by accident of course. Anyway, she’s pregnant and the baby is growing SUPER fast and this thing will kill her at birth so Shimmer Cock makes her a vampire. But only after he cuts her open and tears her uterus open with his teeth. Yay! I have no idea how this woman managed to make that shit romantic but there you have it and now every high school girl in the fucking universe is going to wanna carry some antisocial depressed teenage boy’s baby before he goes columbine on their asses.

The stupid do indeed multiply faster than the smart!

So after she’s caused as much damage with vampires as she possibly could (what with destroying years or vampiric badassness and impregnating tweens) she is now peddling a werewolves series!
I wonder what their special will be? Maybe their fur will have magical healing powers? No way… not near gay enough! Maybe when the wind blows through their fur it will make music. Music that lure girls and smash them across rocks. Like Sirens. Both gay and creepy! Success!

the game

So there’s this book called “The Game”. The author Neil Strauss claims to be able to turn any old average fucking loser on the street into an irresistible sexual predator. He is a self professed loser who was unhappy with his life. Then he shaved his head called himself “The Style” and made it big with woman after using these techniques.

He researched the theories, tested them and copulated relentlessly for two years. Go you!

The Neg:

The PUA (pick up artist) makes an ambiguous statement or accidental insult to a beautiful woman the PUA has just met with the intent of actively demonstrating to her a lack of interest in her. My standard response to this would be pulling at my groin and saying :”Oh god you’re making dick so hard” – yeah dude, maybe not.

The Mystery Method

This is a technique based on the concept of an "indirect approach," befriending the companions of a target while ignoring her in order to make the PUA more attractive. This would then obviously make said target jump you across the table and beg you to do things with a straw that would make Jemma Jameson blush.Standard response? Moving on to someone who is interested/interesting (whichever) and not telling you about my friends crabs.

Peacocking

Apparenlty, dressing up in loud clothing or with flashy accoutrements in order to get attention from women works really well. Peacocking items include bright shiny shirts, light-up jewellery, feather boas, colourful cowboy hats, or anything else that makes one stand out in a crowd. In other words when going to a club dressed as if you’re going to a Gay Pride parade. This will make women love you!! And tell you how bloated they are and what you did with your boyfriend last night because that is what I do with my gay friends!

AMOG

In a club, it's more a game of keeping a girl isolated from other guys than it is actually picking them up. The easy way to handle any other male is to be polite to him, but act disinterested by his rap/accomplishments using tonality/body language (without coming off as patronizing/sarcastic) while simultaneously being charming to others around you. This will drop his perceived value and cause him to qualify himself to try and raise it back up. He can't fight you or do shit like that, and he can't move to insults, because you've been polite and in doing so he would be making himself look VERY BAD. Listen boys, women fucking invented the passive aggressive fight – we know you’re doing it. Standard response? Giving you two a fucking ruler!

This is the hero:


Little on the old side, little on the short side, little on the bald side.

I don’t know if I should laugh or feel sorry for the men who use these techniques! These are men who act as if their virginity was merely misplaced and might one day be replaced, as if a dearth of sex will make them metamorphose into the socially awkward school ground laughing stock nightmares they used to be!

I also have no doubts that this crap actually works, many have told me that it does, but I highly fucking doubt this works on any sort of decent girl! If insulting them or ignoring works you should know you’re dealing with a very insecure and needy girl and this bitch will fucking stalk the shit out of you!! This right here is 24/7 PMS psycho shit you’re dealing with. But seriously… don’t take my word for it. Mr Strauss used these methods on Britney Spears to get a better interview out of her:

Exhibit A:


Exhibit B:


The other problem here is that these guys pick up women in clubs I’ve never heard of one doing it in the supermarket or library. . The main reason being: there they'll find plenty of girls who are easy party girls or needy and looking for some emotional validation. "Heeeeey! Laydeees. I'm Tosserino, we'll have to go back to yours to do the sex as my mom is always up late playing poker on the interweb”

If they came across a normal girl they wouldn’t know how to relate to them!