5 worst movies of 2009

Jennifer’s Body

Had the phrase “a fucking disappointment” not existed before its release, Jennifer’s Body would have presented the perfect excuse to coin it!

Written by Diablo Cody it’s sold as a horror-comedy. What it is, is a lie! It’s a tornado of disorganized horror movie clichés and sarcastic one-liners whirling around.

The movie revolves around Jennifer, a smoking hot shallow cheerleader and Needy, the nerdette. We know Needy is a nerdette, you see, because of movie cliché #11: “hot chick + heavy-rimmed eyeglasses + unusual hair + literacy = Dorkotron 5000.” The two are therefore naturally inseparable.

They go out one night bla-bla-bla-demons-something-something she now eats boys to stay aliveThere is some blood, but you never actually see anyone get mangled. Because Fox’s wet blanket of a demon generates absolutely zero scares, Jennifer’s Body relies mostly on cheap ass startles to generate tension, such as Jennifer showing up behind people with no warning and don’t-look-behind-that-door frights where things jump into view.

How fucking stupid do you think we are??

And who the fuck cuts out a Megan Fox topless scene?!

Twilight: New Moon

Big Sigh.

The Twilight Series is an amoeba. An amoeba who’s only skill is sucking! It is fucking HORRIBLE. That’s right, horrible in all caps!

New Moon fucking sucked asshole!

The central characters are:

Bella: horny pale girl who hates life but wants to become a vampire so she can live it eternally.

Edward: Creepy stalker vampire with no personality. He likes his girls stupid and unfaithful.

Jacob: Potential rapist who runs around after other people’s girls. Werewolf who wears pants and nothing else.

This one is no different than the first, only Edward is swapped out by Jacob and Bella spends most of the movie getting to know him. I’m sorry but if you’re boyfriend is a vampire does the mind not naturally progress to a point of realization that other fucking monsters might just fucking exist also?

This movie is about lust, obsession, and abuse DISGUISED as romance and true love.

So why is the Twilight series such a big hit?

NECROPHILIA

That’s the only reason I can think of. All twilight fans are motherfucking necrophiliacs

The International

Look I can’t even tell what this movie is about even though I sat through all 5 hours of it. I guess it had something to do with spies and some foreign folks. There was a lot of fucking talking about shit I don’t understand, I think they were meant to save this one guy who fell off the roof at the end. Or something. I was just seriously bored.

I watched this movie because of Clive Owen and because I dig the dude. He makes a decent action flick, and listen when I see his face I don’t wanna listen to it talk me into nauseum, which is why I do not understand what in the motherfuck he was doing this time. In this entire movie there was one shootout in an art gallery and then that thing on the roof at the end. And then some guy you’ve never seen before comes and shoots him. Yeah.. I don’t get it either.

Horsemen

Michael Bay made this movie. I think he is trying to tell us that he was molested as a child. And Dennis Quaid must be going through an expensive divorce.

It is about some emo kids who kill either parents.

The plot is so full of inconsistencies you wonder if the guys who wrote the script got fired half way through only to be replaced by some guy who writes warning labels for a living. The whole fucking biblical motif makes no sense, and half the points raised in the first half of the movie suddenly dissapear and is never mentioned again. like where did these kids get their SAVANT medical expertise?

The kids are basically upset because their parents don’t hug them enough or touch them in bad places or don’t like them cause they’re gay. So they hang them from hooks on these really elaborate steel frames ,they get from a guy who’s real job is tattoos, and then tap their blood. Whatever happened to mass suicide?

There are a lot of scenes with grown men sobbing and snotting all over the place and on ridiculously hot asian girl who speaks german.

Jonas Brothers 3D Concert Experience

Oh good mother of god why was this abomination created?

Imagine you are strapped to an uncomfortable chair, imagine your eyes being held open my matchsticks.

Imagine the torture of the Jonas brother’s singing. Imagine thousands of screaming 12 year old girls!

Now imagine it in motherfucking 3D bitch!

‘nuff said!