Thursday, December 3, 2009

Utterly Pathetic

In the past I've kept a little folder of dumb emails and messages guys have sent me. I've just stumbled across it and though I'd share.
Here they are: -

1. Aging batman, you are gorgeous! Words almost fail me..well, almost. Your body is like a visa platinum card because its everywhere I want to be..hmm nah..I saw you across the room, as I was making my way over to you. I fell and hit my head and for insurance reasons, I am going to need your phone so, how are you dooooiiiinnng?

2. I was trying to figure out a word to describe you..but couldnt think of a good one to say how all of your facial features compliment each other amazingly to make up one gorgeous face..eyes, lips, cheeks, just all works perfectly together on you..but I just dont have the word for all those in one.

3. can you do a back flip?

4. youre so hot its making me shake, making my knees weak, weak like cheese melting down on nachos!!

5. you got a lot of issues, a lot of dislikes, a lot of requirements, and a lot of guys that wanna be on you. i dont really care about any of that but ill tell you one thing...i dig your style.

6. Hey a guy on my rygby team wants to have sex with you...really bad...

7. I know you must get this all the time but I would love to help you out of those tighty whities so you can wash them in the machine then we could make sweet sweet monkey love on it and have little moose's together.

8. What are the chances that we can hang out?
(A) 99.99999999%
(B) 50%
(C) 25%
(D) Slim to none
(E) Although I appreciate your emails and persistence to a certain extent, I have no interest in hanging out with you.
(F) I don't want to see you or have anything to do with you in any way, shape, or form. Please stop writing me emails and cease the periodic communications. There's a reason why I didn't reply, I was hoping you'd get the hint.
(G) The only way I'd hang out with you is if you promised to take me on a shopping spree and buy me anything I wanted.

9. Alrighty Cold Lacey, one last shot for you. You really are as cold as they come. Jeez, you denied me as a friend like ten times, you are stubborn. We should be friends and heres why. You wear pink, I like to talk to girls that wear pink, j/k but seriously I am a handsome guy that lives in CT. So in conclusion, if you message me back, I will send you another friend request and you will accept it, if you dont write me back...I will jump off a bridge.

10. you give me a boner!

11. Hi how are you? I looked at your profile and would like to express my desire to own you. Would you be interested in becoming one of my slaves?

12. Sup Sexy? I am Elliot from CT. Im not looking for no bitchy females or stuck up cocky ladies. Be real wit me and I will do the same. Im looking for some personality, pretty looks, likes to enjoy going out, optional about driving, got your own damn money but will spend mines sometimes. Just a real lady. Get at me and drop a number if you are like this.One

13. wow, you are absolutely amazing...thanks for being born.

14. Can I stalk you?

15. you're so hot... i'd get you pregnant just for visitation rights.

16. uhhh... excuse me, i find you very attractive. can you send me nude pics through my e-mail?

17. I would sell my soul for you.

18. You make me want to run my gf over with the car.

19. Hey, would it be ok to use one of your pics for a tattoo...or would that be a copyright infringement thing? I just need to make sure I get it in a place where I can just sit around and stare at you all day.

20. You don't know me, but I think I'm in love with you. Anyway, I wrote a song for you. Hope you like it:It's so hard to explain, maybe I've gone insaneBecause I think I've fallen for a picture on a screenI only wonder why, and I simply can't denyThat your beauty surpasses anything I've ever seenNow I'm in too deep, you've got me tossing in my sleepWith images that seem so real, and yet seem so far awayThe gravity you force on me, it brings me to my kneesI can feel it every second, every hour, every dayWith positive ambition, I'm sending a transmissionThrough the air out into somewhere, and I await your replyThough I may not know you, I'm hoping I can show youThat I'm willing to learn who you are, if you just let me tryAnd that's why I write this silly love songIt may not be the best you'll ever hearBut in these chords, I reach my goal, to show you my heart and soulAre pouring out with each and every word.

21. Hey what's going on, I have a question and I know it's stupid but I was wondering if I added you as a friend, could I see your boobs?

22. Hi:-) I figured you must be tired of cheesy "I think you're hot" lines. So this is my way of respectfully saying hello:shall i call thee the fairest of flowerslike an untamed rose unaware of its powerswith a glow so bright it leaves ones mind to ponderof your sweetest of gazes in its incomparable wonder like a light from a distance calling all boats to shoreso ones heart beats faster as your beauty makes it soarjust like the delicate warmth of a lovers starewheres the joy of a summer day if one cant picture you there?

23. I wanna rub you down in mayonnaise and hot candle wax.

24. I'm in a situation where I'm being taken for granted and not be taken care of, like I should...With that being said, I'm looking for someone to call a best friend, someone I can talk to, chill with, and express myself to sexually. Sex is not just an act, but an expression of heat and passion, and I'm looking for someone to fill that for me...Of course, you would have to get to know me first...But how do you get the answer, to a question, that has not yet been asked?...Now, if I've offended you in any way, I certainly and highly apologize...a simple "no" would suffice. But, if you are interested, let me know.

25. I would give my right arm to make out with you.

26. ur beautiful...tell me what size ur finger is and i'll run to a jeweller...those are some amazing pictures...ur parents should win an award or something.

27. I know you've had some amazing sex....would you mind telling me about it? I know I'm a creep...but I figured I'd ask and see what kind of luck I got. Or just talk dirty to me. God I don't care. You're amazing.

28. Dear Aleecia, I don't know what to do. I worry all the time about you. Maybe you have a lot to do. I suppose you get about 200 messages a day, but I really hope you don't sort me out. Maybe you've got the wrong impression of me. Please give me a chance and tell me what I do wrong that you don't answer me? The last few days I was really sad because I've gotten no messages from you. I think about you a lot and I check my mailbox all the time. I really don't want to unnerve you, but I feel like I'm talking to a wall. I mean I can say what I want and I never know if you like it, if you smiled, or even laughed, or if you are just deleting my messages because of a reason I don't know. I really like you (even if I don't know you) and it really hurts me inside. It hurts me even more when I see the status of my message: "Read". I always say to myself: "Oh she's probably just reading it or writing me back at this moment". The first thing I do after I come home from work is to check my inbox, and afterwards I feel depressed and sad. I think about you the whole day (in the morning when I get up, in the evening when I get home) it's kind of like love even if i don't know you personally...but don't think I'm a needy person. I know you're probably working your ass off and I don't want to stress you in any way. I just keep writing you my thoughts and I hope I'm still on your good list. I really would like to have the honor to talk with you. There are so many things we could talk about. I'm sure you'll never get bored unless you're bored now. You said you have enough that the reason why you don't respond to me? I think you see me as a "random guy". But I've already forgiven you for ignoring me all time. I keep praying for you every day. I hope to meet you one day in heaven (and I'm sure you won't ignore me up there) but who knows maybe we'll meet one day on the street without knowing it.

29. Sweet Jesus on ice skates! Your photos drive me over the edge.

30. Hello, I am a submissive male from just outside of CT and I would be honored to be at your feet dressed as you wish, serving as your slave. Please email me back.

31. Can I drink your bathwater?

32. what's up? how u doing? MRS qualitative girl i hope u understand me what i 'm trying to say to u, i wanna let u know that u are so beautiful & i can even see the discern in my eyes just been looking at ur profile. an it tells me u are a good on earth; so" no men can not disarray a girl like u especialy. i realy like u but don't matter to me, i wanna get to know u. don't get dillydally to get to me at this point of time & don't turn around i have never seen a high quality girl like u in my hole life, u are so tremulous, prospect, propensity & probity in my eyes. i knew u are premeditate.

33. Can I be your slave...just spend my time doing whatever you wanted me to?

33. you are ridiculously beautiful...there, i said it!! we are perfect for one seriously, we are!! if opposites attract, your beautiful, sexy, soft, sweet, sensual, unbelievably hot, perfect lips, deep hypnotizing eyes, amazing body, intelligent, dear God those lips!! and i' here's my only christmas wish: i asked santa to stuff you in his bag (very gently) and lay you under my tree after he moves my house to a tropical isalnad with white sandy beaches and all your friends, so ya have somebody to hang out with when ya get sick of me kissing, touching, and generally me being completely in love with you!! i'm thinking that isn't so much to ask...i don't need anymore presents till 2070 when i'm begging him to give me 1 more day with you before i die.

34. hi i know its a weird question but can u dress me up like a girl? maybe do my makeup. it could be fun and kinky :) and im actually being serious!

35. some of my friends say i have a small penis but i own 3 goats and 2 can we still makeout?

36. Hey...thanks for adding me :)......did u get a chance to check out my profile?.....what was ur reaction? u know anyone with a foot fetish?....i hope u're the type of person that's open to any conversation....cause i am and that would be nice if u were too.... hope u're not offended by foot fetish that's only feet u know....they look cute and i can't help but look :).... let's just say that i appreciate women's's the second physical feature i notice on a girl....i check out her looks then her toes...soyeh.... what do u think of men that like feet?...just wondering that's all...i'm not trying to hook up with u..i'm not on to do that....i'm here to meet hot ladies and to talk about whatever comes to mind....only for u have a fetish for a certain body part on a man?...u can tell me....anyway, i hope u write back when u get a chance....we can be friends....soyeh take care....have a good one

37. Hello Lace, I've been emailing you, and you just never answer. I have had dreams about you, good dreams, and you won't believe it but Jesus gave me an epiphany and he said you were the girl I was supposed to be with. So if you believe in Jesus, then you need to believe in me. Otherwise you will let him down and I don't know what he'd do to you then.

Yeah, I didn't make any of those up.
Ladies... these men are out there!


  1. So thats what its like to be a hottie on a date site huh? Creepy.

    Did you reply to any of these freaks? now I might pay oney to read those!


  2. Jesus Christ!

    There's some really terrible English up there.

  3. I'm always shocked at how stupid men can be when they are in the company of a good looking woman. There is a bar on the farm where i live and I see this type of thing every day. Quite pathetic realy. don't let it get to you.

  4. Fark me but that is some terrifying shizlovio up there, though I'll be the first to admit the "Can I drink your bathwater" is going in my little black book of ridiculousness!

  5. i'm with acidicice hey... jesus, poor chick!

    no.7 had me in stitches tho - funny sad dude.